Rooney to retire from international football

Following England’s crippling 4-1 defeat to Germany, Wayne Rooney announced today that he is leaving international football to pursue a new career as an underwear model. “I think the time has come to broaden my horizons and that,” he told reporters during a rushed press conference at the Royal Bafokeng Sports Campus in South Africa. “I’ve been considering this for a while and now seems like the right time. I’ve been down the gym loads – just check out these abs. It’s like looking down on the Pennines.”

Rooney took his shirt off for photographers, removing his baseball cap to reveal some brand new hair – but even that couldn’t stop questions about yesterday’s dismal performance. Agreeing with criticism over England’s performance, Rooney said that the whole squad had sat down last night to watch a recording of the match. “To be honest it was pretty uncomfortable viewing. As for that disallowed goal…well, when I saw that, it just made me want to lie around in my pants. Then I thought, ‘bingo!’”