Cameron: spending cuts will hurt so bad ‘they will start to feel good’

The Prime Minister surprised fellow politicians this morning when the lights went out in the House of Commons and George Osborne appeared, backlit, wreathed in smoke and wearing a black leather fetish mask. “I am going to redefine pleasure and pain,” Cameron announced in an eerie voice over the public address system as Osborne slowly levitated over fellow MPs, spattering them with blood from the flayed flesh beneath his trousers. “Welcome to my dominion of ecstasy and gore.” As the screams of flagellating cabinet ministers filled the House of Commons, Cameron promised that this would not be a return to the Conservative austerity measures of the 1980s: “My ministry of exquisite suffering will last a thousand years. You shall not know the absence of pain, nor remember it, so completely shall my 40% spending cuts encompass all.”

Deputy PM Nick Clegg (wearing a sinister hat and with ghoulishly-burned skin) was on hand to show his unwavering support: “I believe that these measures are progressive and I am behind the Prime Minister one hundred percent.” As Clegg spoke, he slashed his body with a blade-fingered glove then pledged to “murder children in their dreams.”