Madonna adopts Justin Bieber

“It was the best present I could think of,” said the Kabbalistic pop queen yoga mum Madonna, who turned 51 at the weekend. “So I just decided to go ahead and do it – I gave myself Justin Bieber. Isn’t he adorable?”

Formal adoption procedures were launched through Justin Bieber’s management company and by late last night it was official.

“Some of my kids are from Africa. Some of my kids are from Madonna,” said Madonna, dismissing concerns about integrating teenage Bieber into her family. “Now I’ll have a kid from that land called ‘Fame’. His age is irrelevant. My age is irrelevant. Did you know I can put a hat on with my foot?”

“I’ve always wanted Madonna as my mom,” said child star Bieber this morning, “Plus it will be great for my career. Just look at what happened to that Felix kid she adopted in the 80s and was in the ‘Open Your Heart’ video. Now he’s a household name, albeit for a cat food.”