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Renowned physicist blames ‘quantum entanglement’ for affair with summer intern

Celebrated physicist Professor Pierre Dourac of the University of Lausanne, Switzerland has claimed to be the victim of quantum entanglement theory after his wife of thirty-eight years filed for divorce.

He insists that his alleged affair with a young laboratory intern (nubile 19 year-old undergraduate Eva Kristeva of Sofia, Bulgaria) is not, as his wife has alleged, the product of Dourac’s seedy exploitation of his position of authority, but rather the strange result of non-classical correlations between the observable physical properties of remote systems at a sub-atomic level.

If I wanted to seduce students I would be hitting the campus bar in my white jeans, throwing some moves on the dance floor,” says Prof. Dourac.

I wouldn’t be spending interminable hours in the lab investigating how information could be violating the principle of special relativity by travelling faster than light between two disparate particles, while ‘apparently’ stroking Eva’s cute ass and nibbling her earlobe due to the visual anomalies of a highly-localised distortion of the spacetime continuum.”

Dourac is no stranger to defending his professional reputation. In 1986 he successfully persuaded a jury that it was the unique frequency of flashing pixels in arcade game Donkey Kong which had caused him to expose himself to a tour-bus full of holidaying pensioners in Zurich.