Labour leaders in ‘Mortal Kombat’
Mortal Kombat: Labour Leadership Edition is a state-of-the-art recreation of the contest as an ultra-violent death-match.
Candidates must battle for their lives in single combat under the watchful gaze of evil sorcerer Shang Tsung.
In successive levels it’s possible to play as bonus characters like Gordon Brown, John Prescott, and Tony Blair.
And there is fan speculation that, on a secret level, opponents can team up to fight against Ninja Neil Kinnock and the Kung Fu zombie corpse of Michael Foot.
“It’s eerily close to reality,” says professional gamer Vince Gauci, who got hold of a beta copy in advance of release: “I can just imagine David Miliband and his brother Ed at their Nan’s house and one of them doing a 720 degree reverse flip over the biscuit tray before driving a death-punch right through his brother’s face so that his fist crunches out of the back of the skull all covered in blood and brains. This is the real nitty-gritty of party politics.”
Mortal Kombat: Labour Leadership Edition promises to choose the next party leader, and see the souls of fallen adversaries instantly morph into the form of fully-supportive members of his or her new leadership team.
Age: 44 Constituency: South Shields
Tournament Name: The Mighty Gawk
Catchphrase: “Labour must rebuild itself as a champion of social change… and the obliterator of enemies.”
Special move: high punch followed by deadly roundhouse kick to opponent’s legs
Constituency: Doncaster North
Tournament Name: Heat-Geeking Missile
Catchphrase: “Brotherly love will survive. But Big Brother shall die.”
Special move: crouch-block then double backhand strike to David Miliband’s kidneys
Age: 43 Constituency: Morley and Outwood
Tournament Name: Mister Blink
Catchphrase: “Is Labour in touch with the public? Will I eviscerate all-comers in the chamber of death? Yes and yes.”
Special move: frenzied attack of opponent’s balls
Age: 40 Constituency: Leigh
Tournament Name: Pillage’n’Burnham
Catchphrase: “I was a Blairite for Brown. I will kill you for pleasure.”
Special move: heavy elbow / uppercut combo
Age: 56 Constituency: Hackney North and Stoke Newington
Tournament Name: The Abbottonator
Catchphrase: “I’m here to remind you that we can’t all be white men… Die, bitches…” Special move: knee-strike to groin followed by Hackney mother-smother floor-hold
16,000 points: John Prescott
The former Deputy PM is a slow, wheezy mover yet he packs a nasty punch when riled.
Special moves: kebab regurgitation, protestor death-punch
32,000 points: Gordon Brown
The former PM flies like a stolid butterfly, stings like a winter’s morn in Kirkcaldy.
Special moves: freeze-breath, budget drop-smash, Scots Berzerker-mode
50,000 points: Tony Blair
Tony Blair is the veritable Bruce Lee of the game: unflappable, unstoppable, unshameable.
Special moves: hypno-grin, peace-envoy fireball, glib-deniability roundhouse, seventy years of secrecy head-butt
Mortal Kombat: Labour Leadership Edition is out now for PlayStation 3 and Xbox 360 (unavailable on Wii or DS because Nintendo is for pussies)