How to make a citizens arrest on the Pope

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When the Pope visits the U.K today people will be faced with a multitude of ways of marking the occasion.

Whether you’ll watch it on TV or on the web, or pay £25 to stand in the same park in Birmingham as him, or host your own sexy Papal-themed crucifix-swapping party, it’s predicted that the average person will hear the word “Pope” over 35,000 times during his visit.

He’ll hear it more often of course, because that’s his name and people are always asking him stuff.

But for others it’s not all about ring-kissing and giving Holocaust deniers a break – some human rights groups have suggested that a citizens arrest should be performed on the Pope during his visit, for “crimes against humanity”.

So, if like them, you decide to put the cuffs on the man nicknamed “God’s Rottweiler” (on account of his fondness for pissing against lamp posts) you’ll need this essential guide to Pope-nicking – because like most people, you’ve probably never arrested a Pope before and you wouldn’t want to mess it up. Loads of people will be watching.

See also: British Catholics ask visiting Pope to ‘look less obviously evil’