Treasury launches £9 note
UK News: With the country in fiscal turmoil, George Osborne has announced a new measure that the Chancellor hopes will provide some much needed consumer stimulus – a £9 note.
“It is a modern banknote for modern times,” the Chancellor insisted during a particularly rowdy session in the House of Commons. “While reflective of our austerity budget as a whole, the core idea behind the £9 note is that the consumer will not feel they are spending as much – and will therefore be more inclined to go and spend it.”
Dismissing claims that the new pound coin and the £9 note were both gimmicks, the Chancellor replied that the could only be seen as gimmicks “if money itself is a gimmick, and I am not qualified to answer that question. Let me simply repeat that these are tough times and as such they require tough decisions – and if that leads to an £18.50 note with Nora Batty on one side and Wayne Rooney on the other, then so be it.”
It was left to newly-appointed Treasury spokesman Jeremy De La Boltine to defend the details of note’s launch, and in particular the choice of celebrities.
“We chose Lily Allen because she is a pop princess,” De La Boltine told reporters, “which we feel promotes a more cash-nautical, now-pro message than either the real Queen or a pop queen like Celine Dione or Cher.”
“Older women smell of bats – that’s not anybody’s fault, that’s just the way it is – and they are not going to inspire people to buy CDs, booze and bread knifes. Plus let’s not forget that what we are witnessing here is the birth of a new monetary concept. Lily Allen is pregnant, and nothing symbolises birth better than birth itself.”
“We chose Stephen Fry because we are the treasury and he is a national treasure. Added to that you have the fact that he is a one-man stimulus package when it comes to the purchase of iphones and other gadgets. Stephen Fry brings an avuncular dignity to the tweetyblogoverse. He is like a chesterfield sofa on the bridge of the Starship Enterprise.”
For more government schemes to cheat the deficit, click here
To see how the government will sex-up the economy like an Iraq War dossier, click here