Catholic Church in turmoil: angels ‘are gay’

WORLD NEWS: There were ugly scenes across the Catholic world yesterday after an influential, high-ranking group of theologians from within the Vatican itself announced the conclusion of a two decade-long study into the sexuality of angels.

“We have examined all the evidence,” said Father Johann Basi, leader of the investigation, “ecumenical, liturgical, biblical, anecdotal, artistic. There can be no doubt – angels are gay.”

Basi and his team have caused a furore within the Vatican itself, and there have been violent demonstrations across Italy, the USA and in parts of Latin America.

“We have always considered Gabriel to be asexual,” said one insider who asked not to be named. “Beyond that we don’t like to ask too many questions. He’s handsome, he’s stylish, he doesn’t seem to have any family of his own and he’s always welcome at Christmas.”

Already receiving death threats, Father Basi defended his conclusions from a secret location via video link.

“It is a scholar’s duty to tell the truth as he sees it. And the truth is that wings are a bit gay, swooping and fluttering is a bit gay, weeping and singing with a face full of the heavenly host is definitely gay.”

“Angels are gay and you can excommunicate me until your fingers go numb but it won’t change a thing. Let me put it another way: where do rainbows come from? Think about it.”

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