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Simon bloody Cowell

TV NEWS: After failing to win X Factor 2011, boy band One Direction were immediately fed into a woodchipper during last night’s live final, it has been revealed. Says Cowell, “I said that this wouldn’t be the last you’d hear of One Direction, and I wasn’t wrong. Thirty seconds later I heard the last of One Direction – it was Harry Styles gurgling in agony as I prodded him into the mulcher with a big stick.”

simon cowell covered in blood, shreds x-factor losers during finals

As soon as the show cut to a commercial break, the boys were led to a large woodchipper which was lowered down from the studio ceiling. Before his handsome face was splattered with a mixture of blood and broken dreams, Cowell was reportedly overheard saying “If only I’d have thought of this for Eoghan Quigg and Ray Quinn, I could have saved myself a lot of ballache.”

“They’ve had quite a journey” said Louis Walsh “It’s just a shame that this journey ended with their liquified mortal remains being collected in buckets.” The buckets were quickly moved to a secure location somewhere outside of London, with one show insider describing the contents as looking like “a mixture of raw mince, hair and Abercrombie & Fitch”.

The move to dispose of failed acts as quickly as possible has proved controversial, with ITV receiving a number of complaints when Cher Lloyd was put on a bonfire last week. A spokesman said, “We accept the carbon footprint from her disposal was unacceptably high – Dannii Minogue has been planting trees in the New Forest to make up for it.”