Christmas News: What with all the drink and the weird cousins and the over-eating, people hardly mean what they say at Christmas. So to help you guide through the minefield of innuendo, doublespeak and code, here’s our guide to some Christmas slanguage you may come across or need to employ. With thanks to the Poke Army for these slanguage beauties! Happy Christmas!
A bad wrapper
Put on a silly hat, stuff your face, act like a c**t
When you’ve had more than a bellyfull of your own family
A pint of Baileys
The Brussel Sprout.
An unpopular guest at the table, normally a new boyfriend/girlfriend.
Surreptitious argument with a spouse on Christmas day under the noses of the In Laws.via @Johnny_Two_Dogs
Festively packaged box of shit, grabbed in a last minute desperate frenzy to fulfil seasonal obligations via @alienonline
The Christmas morning moan of someone who overdid the festivities on Christmas Eve via @jimmykonty
A test of outward grace and gratitude when receiving a terrifying jumper from the mother-in-law. @jimmykonty
Ding Dong Merrily, They’re High.
Inevitable alcohol-fueled punch-up at the Xmas office party. via @jimmykonty
To use stealth and elimination skills to identify everyone’s Secret Santa before the giving. @alienonline
Holly & Ivy.
Christmas Hookers. via @abbiehas
Deck the Halls.
Fisticuffs with Mr &Mrs Hall. via @andybwhittle
Deep-Pan crisp and even… via @andybwhittle
The Santa Clause.
Use it to sue your parents when you don’t get the presents you want via @karatepam
(Last Asleep Washes Up) race for after dinner snooze to avoid chores via @loop_deletion
P45 given to seasonal workers on 26th December via @karatepam
Coalition Xmas fare for students. “Roasting Cleggnuts on an open fire.” via @rjdgill
The fake joy one shows when opening a packet of hankies from Grandma. via @saraharah
The office drunk whose nose always gets redder at xmas via @dpknowles