A Clockwork Apple: iphone gang violence up by 23%
Technology News: The Met released shocking new figures today, highlighting the rise of a new phenomenon in violent crime: iphone gang violence.
In scenes reminiscent of A Clockwork Orange, Beethoven-loving young hipsters in anachronistic hats are committing acts of ultra-violence against users of non-apple smartphones. These gangs, which seem to form spontaneously, physically abuse android users, usually on public transport. The attacks often culminate in the destruction of their own iphones as they smash them into the faces of their victims shouting ‘android scum’ and ‘you’re dirty’.
This explosion in aggression between smartphone owners was described by Met Commissioner Geoff Bruges today as ‘deeply troubling’. In an impassioned speech, he warned against the ‘very serious consequences for society at large’ of what he termed ‘mobile sectarianism’.
But not all the voices in this debate are calling for reconciliation.
Pigmouth, the clandestine leader of the Android User Defence Squad said his members were organised and ready to fight back.
“Ever seen someone choke to death on an iphone?” Pigmouth told The Poke via SMS. “Me neither.”
Commissioner Bruges insisted that he was prepared to take unpopular steps to ensure public safety if the levels of violence got any worse.
“A 23% rise in this type of crime is completely unacceptable. Nobody would welcome a return to gameboys, sony discmans and mobile phones with rubbery aerials the size of a big shit – but that’s where these iphone thugs are taking us.”
“I don’t want to implement a nationwide confiscation of smartphones and put the entire population in detention but if I have to, then, by Jimminy, I will.”