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James Blunt rejoins army: ‘I’ll sing Gaddafi to death’

Celebrity News: James Blunt, the well-loved crooner of such classic hits as ‘You’re Beautiful’ and ‘Ernie: The Fastest Milkman In The West’ ended weeks of speculation today with the announcement that he was putting his pop career ‘on leave of absence’.

james blunt rejoins army: I will sing gaddafi to death

As from this afternoon,” Blunt told reporters from the steps of the Ministry of Defence, “I am rejoining the army.”

I will be flying out to Libya as one of the British military advisors to the rebel forces. However I will also be under special orders, part of a top secret covert operation. Codename: Eagle’s Beak.”

“I will be self-deployed to Tripoli by parachute – a charming but deadly force of one – from where I shall penetrate Gaddafi’s inner sanctum. I expect to achieve this with relative ease due to my extensive stealth training in Ibiza, plus some CDs, and some VIP tickets for my forthcoming tour.”

Once in earshot of the evil one, I shall simply sing him to death, bringing instant victory to NATO and the rebels.”

When asked exactly how he would use his singing voice to terminate the Libyan dictator, Blunt replied: “With a voice as silky-powerful as mine, one has the choice to use it for good as, for example, on my current single ‘Stay The Night’ – or, one can harness the dark side of the voice. Like in a dubstep remix. Or assassinating a despot.”

While MOD officials claim they have ‘no idea what he is talking about’, Blunt insists that ‘Eagle’s Beak’ is but phase one of a “world tour – of duty.”

I’m a patriot,” says Blunt, “I can’t help that. I’ve got the voice of God himself. I can’t help that either.”

After Libya comes Syria, where I shall burst Assad’s heart with my acapella version of ‘Under The Boardwalk’. Then Yemen, then the Ivory Coast, then Somalia.”

And they better be ready because for those pirates I am bringing the thunder: full orchestra, strings, cymbals, the works. I don’t care if they have earplugs – this is going to be one download they won’t be able to copy.”