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Cowell to front ‘America’s Next Most Wanted’

Osama Fall-out Exclusive: The fish had barely begun nibbling at Osama bin Laden’s beard when senior political figures met at the White House on Monday to deal with the most pressing issue to face the West for a generation: who will be America’s next baddie?

Senior White House advisors, including Donald Rumsfeld and populist selection expert Simon Cowell, were assembled in the early hours to resolve the matter before, as one insider put it, “we all lose focus and start to question the building blocks of society – like insurance premiums.”

Everything’s kinda been done, you know?” says political blogger Mike Crudup.

Ever since Hitler, we’ve needed some kind of totemic figure to focus all our hatred on. A conflict of ideologies may be one thing, but meaningful dialogue ain’t shit compared to a guy in a black hat. Bin Laden just had that star quality. How do you top that?”

Various names have been mooted, including Gadaffi, Mugabe and the French.

But Simon Cowell’s presence at the talks has fuelled speculation that the high-waisted svengali may have stepped down from judging the X Factor in order to take this decision to the people – with a brand new show for Fox Television: ‘America’s Next Most Wanted’.

We’ll have Simon lead the judges panel and front it with Tyra Banks,” said one Fox producer who asked not to be named until later.

Then we’ll just get some Taliban guys, some Chechens, basically anyone Muslim, or with a gun, or with a funny accent, or with a beard, or non-Christian, or brown, or even half-brown – put them into some knock-out rounds where they have to burn the American flag without using their hands, or hide explosives in Justin Bieber – stuff like that – spread it over 12 weeks and announce the winner.”

Then we’ll give him six years to hide, storm his compound, and light that mother up like my son’s eyes when there’s cake on the table.”