Ronald Mcdonald to head child obesity inquiry

News of the World Scandal: As News of the World’s Rebekah Brooks is charged with leading the investigation into her own wrongdoing, other public figures are jumping on the ‘it wasn’t me’ bandwagon today, claiming “if Rebekah can, so can I!”

Ronald McDonald, who for years has been the target of allegations that he causes childhood obesity, announced today that he was heading up a ‘penetrating investigation’ that would leave ‘no stone unturned’.

They say my burgers make kids fat,” Ronald Mcdonald told a hastily-arranged press conference this morning.

They say my buckets of fizzy drinks make kids fat. They say my funny face and funny clothes deceive children into thinking burgers are so much fun you should eat them all the time. Well I shall put an end to these scurrilous accusations once and for all, by launching the most incisive, most wide-ranging report into childhood obesity ever undertaken.”

I shall personally hand-pick some fat kids, put them in a room and then shout at them DID I MAKE YOU FAT? ME? I MEAN, ME PERSONALLY? A FUCKING CLOWN? Are you FUCKING SERIOUS?”

By the way they shake their heads, cry and run out of the room I think we will all be able to draw a line under this issue and move on.”

“The whole world will be able to see that these children whole-heartedly agree that I am not, was not, and never could be responsible for their wobbly tummies, the way they get bullied, or how the resultant lack of self-esteem goes on to ruin their lives. Happy Meal anyone?”