Doctors warn against ‘bungee births’

Health News: Mothers who give birth while standing six foot above a birthing pool were warned today that an ‘umbilical bungee birth’ is not the way to create ‘exciting children’.

“There is a great deal of pseudo-science around the long-term effects of the birthing environment,” said Dr. Terence Whiting of Nuffield Hospital, Derbyshire.

“Contrary to popular belief, for example, if a child is born underwater, that will not necessarily make him good at golf. However, this latest trend of using the umbilical cord as a bungee rope and just letting the infant drop free straight out of womb is dangerous and ill-advised.”

Not so, says Mary Riley of the popular Australian website extrememums.com which offers a ‘bespoke bungee birth service’.

“As an extreme sports fan, and a mum, and an Australian, I want to instill a spirit of adventure in my child right from the very first moments of life. I was still skydiving a week before I gave birth, and if I could’ve given birth while skydiving, I would’ve done it. Unfortunately the insurance issues are prohibitively complicated. A frozen afterbirth falling on your head at the right speed can, apparently, be fatal – but I digress.”

“Let’s just say that it’s never too early to be a thrill-seeker and I think umbilical bungee births are a great way to say to your new born baby ‘well fucking hello there you little fuck!’”

“I look at my three year-old now and I know she’s going to be a world leader.”

“We bungee birthed her and as a result she is dynamic, she is creative, she is tough. She ate some prescription sedatives I left lying around after I got a bit pissed the other day and not only did she not pass out, she didn’t even stop crying – not for one minute.”

Story: Jasper Gibson

Image: Ninj