The Poke

binface

1. Thames Water bosses to be made to take a dip in the Thames, to see how they like it. 2. Claudia Winkleman's fringe to be Grade 1 listed. 3. No shop to be allowed to sell a croissant for more than £1.10 (blame Liz and Rishi for the extra 10p). 4. London's 'Night Czar' to be replaced by a new Night Mayor, with headquarters on Elm Street. 5. I pledge to build at least one affordable house. 6. London Bridge to be renamed after Phoebe Waller. 7. NHS waiting times to be improved by making GP surgeries' hold music less appalling. 8. To solve delays caused by 20mph zones, all meetings to start ten minutes later. 9. An amnesty on Covid fines imposed on Londoners, with all costs to be paid instead by Boris Johnson. 10. The Millennium Dome to be demolished and replaced by a nature reserve, giving humans and animals somewhere to enjoy a bit of fresh air. It will be called the 02. 11. Stop the bots. 12. Speakerphones to be banned on public transport, with offenders forced to watch a box set of The One Show. 13. Give back the Parthenon Marbles, you thieving bastards. 14. All government ministers' pay, including the mayor's, to be tied to that of nurses for the next 100 years. 15. Croydon's five-metre-long cycle lane on Selsdon Road to get World Heritage Status. 16. Free Parking between Vine Street and the Strand (for electric vehicles, except Teslas) 17. Shops that play Christmas music before December to be closed down and turned into public libraries. 18. All Londoners who cannot afford a ULEZ-compliant vehicle to get a new electric car, paid for by a windfall tax on oil companies. 19. Royal palaces (except Buck House, because I'm nice like that) and all homes of Russian oligarchs to be gifted to the nation to help eradicate homelessness. 20. The hand dryer in the gents' toilet at the Crown & Treaty, Uxbridge to be moved to a more sensible position. 21. The Trocadero to be turned back into a truly top-notch video arcade. 22. Loud snacks to be banned from theatres. 23. Unnecessary Voter ID legislation to be scrapped. 24. Ceefax to be reintroduced for all homes within the M25. COUNT BINFACE FOR MAYOR OF LONDON

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