Simply 69 funny jokes by 69 funny comedians

Just 69 brilliant jokes as written by 69 brilliant comedians. What else is there to say, take it away Spike…

1. Spike Milligan

“I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

2. Larry David

“Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man – there’s your diamond in the rough.”

3. Steve Martin

“First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.”

4. Steven Wright

“All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.”

5. Richard Lewis

“I have low self-esteem; when we were in bed together, I would fantasise that I was someone else.”

6. Sean Lock

“I used to know a boy at school called ‘Diarrhoea Dave’. He got the name because he was the only kid who could spell it.”

7. Sara Pascoe

“You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.

8. Emo Phillips

“I like to play chess with old men in the park, although it’s hard to find 32 of them.”

9. Rodney Dangerfield

“I’m so ugly. My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.”

10. Woody Allen

“I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.”

11. Marcus Brigstocke

“If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we’d all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.”

12. Lucy Porter

“In your thirties your friends just disappear. I don’t mean they die. They all move to Birmingham, which is worse.”

13. Stewart Lee

A protest vote for UKIP is like shitting your hotel bed as a protest against bad service, then realising you now have to sleep in a shitted bed.

14. Nick Helm

“”I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.”

15. Frankie Boyle

“I lost my virginity to my mums best friend. My dad!”

16. Harry Hill

“A dolphin will jump out of the water for a piece of fish, imagine what he’d do for some chips.”

17. Mark Watson

“I saw a poster for Mission Impossible III the other day. I thought to myself – ‘It’s not really impossible if he’s already done it twice.'”

18. Aisling Bea

‘What’s Postman Pat called on his holiday? Pat.’

19. Bill Hicks

“I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you’d be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage.”

20. Stephen Fry

“I knelt to pick a buttercup. Why people leave buttocks lying around I’ll never know…”

21. Tom Stade

“I like Jesus, but he loves me, so it’s awkward”

22. Simon Munnery

“I wanted wine, women and song. I got a drunk woman singing”

23. Jerry Sadowitz

“I used to think I was great in bed until I realised all my girlfriends had asthma”

24. Eric Morecambe

‘I always take my wife morning tea in my pajamas, but is she grateful? . . . No, she says she’d rather have it in a cup.’

25. Paul F Taylor

“I’m glad I’m not American. When their kids are bad at something they send them to camp. Fat kids go fat camp, if you can’t do maths you go to maths camp. I was never very good at concentrating…”

26. Russell Brand

“No wonder Bob Geldof is such an expert on famine. He’s been dining off ‘I Don’t Like Mondays’ for 30 years. “

27. Alfie Moore

“I’m in a same-sex marriage… the sex is always the same.”

28. Tim Vine

“A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits! “

29. Eddie Izzard

“If you’ve never seen an elephant ski, you’ve never been on acid.”

30. Billy Connolly

“Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosy… doesn’t try it on.

31. Hannibal Burress

“People say ‘I’m taking it one day at a time.’ You know what? So is everybody. That’s how time works.”

32. Jo Brand

“The way to a man’s heart is through his hanky pocket with a breadknife. Although I don’t know why you’d bother, it’s not like there’s a cake there.”

33. George Carlin

“Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?”

34. Nish Kumar

“There’s only one thing I can’t do that white people can do, and that’s play pranks at international airports.

35. Ronnie Corbett

“A cement mixer has collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.”

36. Joan Rivers

“A man can sleep around, no questions asked. But if a woman makes 19 or 20 mistakes, she’s a tramp.”

37. Ivor Dembino

“A waiter approaches a table of Jewish diners as they finish their meal and says: ‘Was anything right?”

38. Gary Delaney

“When I heard you could do sperm donations by post I came in a jiffy”

39. Jenny Eclair

Do you know how many middle-aged men go out for a pint of milk and never come home? Not enough.’

40. John Bishop

“For boys, puberty is like turning into the Incredible Hulk – but very, very slowly. “

41. Tommy Cooper

“I said: “How long will my spaghetti be?” The waiter said: “I don’t know. We never measure it.”

42. Dylan Moran

“I don’t do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I’m not expecting it.”

43. Stephen Grant

“I got an odd-job man in. He was useless. Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven.”

44. Benny Hill

‘Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.’

45. Alan Carr

“I got on the property ladder. It’s bloody murder getting that deposit together, isn’t it? You start having dark thoughts don’t you? You start looking at your mum and dad thinking: If only they had an accident…. I’ll put cheese-wire across the door. ‘Mother come quick, things to shred!'”

46. Ross Noble

“I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector; it was beeping all night.”

47. David O’Doherty

“I like the Ten Commandments but I have a problem with the ninth. It should be – Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s ox, except in Scrabble. “

48. Chris Rock

I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

49. Victoria Wood

“I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room. I don’t know who got my moped but I’ve been driving that Peugeot for years.”

50. Peter Kay

“I saw a fat person wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said ‘Thyroid problem?”

51. Matt Kirshen

“I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.”

52. Bill Bailey

“Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.”

53. Joel Dommett

“If you arrive fashionably late in crocs you’re just late”

54. Bridget Christie

I’ve run this joke past all my black and ethnic-minority friends, and she said it was fine.

55. Ian Smith

“If you don’t know what introspection is – you need to take a long, hard look at yourself.”

56. Andy De La Tour

“If you’ve half a mind to vote UKIP, don’t worry, it’s all you need.”

57. Rhys James

“Maybe Hitler wouldn’t have been so grumpy if people hadn’t left him hanging for high-fives all the time.”

58. Axel Edelman

“My father was a magician. Well, not a magician, he just disappeared a lot when we were younger.”

59. Joe Bor

“My wife told me: “Sex is better on holiday.” That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.”

60. Mitch Hedberg

“No matter how good you get at Tennis you’ll never beat a wall.

61. Kai Humphries

“People say I’ve got no willpower. But I’ve quit smoking loads of times”

62. Alun Cochrane

“The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.”

63. Jeff Green

“They say children give you something money can’t buy. Yes, poverty.”

64. Richard Pryor

I’m not addicted to cocaine. I just like the way it smells.

65. Jimmy Carr

“Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes.”

66. Darren Walsh

“Went to my allotment and found that there was twice as much soil as there was the week before. The plot thickens.”

67. Maff Brown

“When I was 12 I found a dominatrix porn mag on a train, I took it home and put it under my bed. My parents found it, but they never spanked me again”

68. Yianni

“When I was younger I felt like a man trapped inside a woman’s body. Then I was born.”

69. Henning Wehn

“With stand-up in Britain what you have to do is bloody swearing. In Germany, we don’t have to swear. Reason being, things work. “

70. Bob Monkhouse

I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers.

There you go, 69 comedians doing 69 jokes.

What? You say it’s 70 comedians doing 70 jokes?

Well, we thought the number 70 lacked innuendo and we thought we’d give you one.