Increasingly desperate Cameron puts dick in toaster during last ditch EU negotiations

Yesterday an increasingly tired and desperate looking David Cameron attended “crunch time” talks in Brussels, meeting with various EU leaders and the European council president, Donald Tusk.

The Prime Minister reportedly jammed his penis inside a toaster throughout all the meetings, and kept repeating the phrase “it’s an ever-closer union… between my dick and this toaster”, before pointing at his groin and winking suggestively.

“It’s certainly a bold strategy to try and negotiate a stronger position for Britain within the EU,” said one Conservative party insider.

“Perhaps it’s a technique they taught him at Eton?”

The ­summit is expected to run through the night until this morning, when leaders may assemble at 10am to finalise a deal over an “English breakfast”. Most are expected to order fried bread instead of toast.