This next-level guide to buffets is funny and very useful – you’ll never queue in the same way again
We’re grateful to a woman called Jackie Jennings who has presumably enjoyed a buffet or two in her time. So much so that she was moved to do this on Twitter.
Kids, I’ve had my way with a lot of buffets in my day and I’m gonna share some knowledge with you. Get ready.
— Jackie Jennings (@ohhijackie) March 25, 2019
And it really does deliver on that early promise …
1. The plates are always smaller and heavier than normal plates. This is intentional. You’re not a pig, that plate is gaslighting you. Load up.
— Jackie Jennings (@ohhijackie) March 25, 2019
Same goes for the serving spoons/tongs. They intentionally make them heavy. Remember, eat with your eyes and also trust them. They know how much you want.
— Jackie Jennings (@ohhijackie) March 25, 2019
2. Before you dive in, do a quick scan of all the offerings. You won’t be sorry!! Often the best stuff is at the end so that you’re like “Damn I loaded up on baby carrots so I have no room for salmon.” Fuck that. Do your recon.
— Jackie Jennings (@ohhijackie) March 25, 2019
3. Do not accept the roles your food has been assigned. Those cherry tomatoes look good but they are near a pile of iceberg, therefore making them toppings? No. FUCK NO.
— Jackie Jennings (@ohhijackie) March 25, 2019
Skip the lettuce and make yourself a veggie/fruit/cheese spread. That dressing is now dip. You tossed some bacon bits from the salad bar into your mac and cheese? You’re a legend.
— Jackie Jennings (@ohhijackie) March 25, 2019
4. The expensive, big ticket items are laid out in smaller dishes/potions. Don’t worry, there’s more.
— Jackie Jennings (@ohhijackie) March 25, 2019
5. IF THIS IS A “PAY BY THE POUND” SITUATION, DRAIN ALL LIQUIDS. REPEAT: DRAIN ALL LIQUIDS. DO NOT PAY ONE CENT FOR LOOSE OLIVE BRINE.
— Jackie Jennings (@ohhijackie) March 25, 2019
6. I’ve eaten wet food off the floor but I would not fuck with mayo based buffet items except for coleslaw. But, hey, your body your choice.
— Jackie Jennings (@ohhijackie) March 25, 2019
7. Use as many plates as you need. As many as you need. I’d recommend a hot plate and a cold plate but consider sauce mingling, course consistency, etc.
— Jackie Jennings (@ohhijackie) March 25, 2019
8. Back to the “by the pound” hot bar deals — are you REALLY going to pay for white rice when there’s likely fried rice as well? Do you, but think this through.
— Jackie Jennings (@ohhijackie) March 25, 2019
9. No one is counting how many times you get up. And if they are I hope they can count to number “I’m living life and stretching my dollar, sir.”
— Jackie Jennings (@ohhijackie) March 25, 2019
10. Most importantly — YOU TIP 20%. It does not matter that you were the one “bringing the food”. A lot of people worked to make that food and clean your 10,000 beautifully dirty plates. Tip 20%, say thanks, and god bless this land of all you can eat experiences. Good night!
— Jackie Jennings (@ohhijackie) March 25, 2019
And here are our favourite things people said about it.
1.
I just shed a tear. Thank you for this 🏆
— spacecase (@space_case82) March 25, 2019
2.
The greatest thanks will be DRAINING THE LIQUIDS!
— Jackie Jennings (@ohhijackie) March 25, 2019
3.
Hard to overstate how much I enjoyed this thread. https://t.co/8uVZbb4wOa
— Stig Abell (@StigAbell) March 26, 2019
4.
At breakfast go the end first. That’s where they hide the bacon.
— Richard J. Scully (@ScullyIoT) March 25, 2019
5.
As someone who grew up in Hong Kong, where buffet-going is a national sport, this is all sound advice except for no iceberg lettuce. If you line your salad bowl with a layer of iceberg and make it protrude over the top of the lip, you an extend your bowl by at least 50%…
— Kat (@SaysKat) March 25, 2019
6.
This is such a great thread on… buffets? https://t.co/8vhlPzqyfm
— Soledad O'Brien (@soledadobrien) March 25, 2019
7.
This is the most important thread I’ve ever seen on this ding dang site.
— filibuster keaton 🐻💜 (@psychofan) March 25, 2019
8.
Also, from someone who used to work in the food industry:
– Use a clean plate every time. It makes no real difference to us to wash five extra plates but if you touch a serving spoon to the plate you sneezed on then put it back in the lasagna, you could make a lot of people sick.— Drachenjaeger (@DrachenJagd) March 25, 2019
9.
https://twitter.com/theyearofelan/status/1110042304281075712
10.
Just want to add that drinking soda at an all you can eat buffet, especially before you’ve started on your food, is a ROOKIE MISTAKE. There’s a reason a waitress comes immediately and takes your drink order. Carbonation makes you feel full and you need room for the turkey slices.
— Chase Observes (@Chase_Observes) March 25, 2019
11.
11. Always save room for the dessert bar. Some of those desserts would take you all day to make, so even if it means you sit there for an hour or more after the main course, you figure out a way to eat at least 4 desserts.
*Cookies don’t count, too easy to make/buy yourself.
— Anna 🕊🕊 (@Oceanmusic27) March 25, 2019
To conclude …
— Melissa Steele 🌊🌊🌊 (@MCalmette) March 25, 2019