New ‘Monster Dog’ category wows Crufts

Dog News: The normally tranquil atmosphere of the Crufts dog show was set ablaze today as organisers launched a brand new breeding category: Monster Dogs.

While ticket sales have soared, and media attention hasn’t been this intense since 1982’s infamous prize-giving ceremony when overall winner Red the Alsatian vomited a child’s leg, purists have condemned Monster Dogs as ‘contrary to the spirit of the competition’.

“I have been breeding Labradors since I was three,” says Rose Treewittle, 58, Lancs.

“Our animals are perfect physical specimens. Generations of incestuous inbreeding ensure a purity of bloodline that would make any decent Nazi blush with envy.”

“These Monster Dogs, on the other hand, are freaks. They give the whole world of breeding a bad name. It’s an absolute disgrace.”

“Well I think it’s fantastic that they have finally recognised us,” says Monster Dog breeder Janet Hall.

“A win at Crufts, and the sponsorship follows, means the world to someone like me who has the cost of giant kennels and giant bags of food to consider – not to mention the giant piles of shit I have to clean up. Some days I have to follow him round in a JCB.”

Janet’s dog, a Great Dane called Congo, is the bookie’s favourite to win the Monster Dog category, but even if he does so there will still be certain restrictions placed on him when it comes to the judging for ‘Best In Show’.

“There is a danger Congo could eat the other dogs, yes, but I don’t think that should distract anyone from his majestic beauty or his lovely big cock.”

Story: Jasper Gibson

Image: Q4Nobody