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Boris Johnson may not want to face Lord Buckethead – but we did

Oonagh Keating. Updated November 24th, 2019

News has filtered out from the Boris Johnson election camp that the Prime Minister has refused to take part in the hustings in his constituency of Uxbridge and South Ruislip, leading to its cancellation. There has been much speculation that this was out of fear, perhaps of being asked uncomfortable questions about his private life or about his conduct as London Mayor.

Perhaps, though, it’s because he is reluctant to face one particular candidate – Lord Buckethead.

In many ways, it’s an understandable trepidation; Lord Buckethead, or “Lord Bartholomew Ignatius Buckethead, Jnr., III”, is an enormous bucketheaded alien, former Imperial Commander of the Woopian Space Fleet and something of a British institution, having contested UK general elections since 1987, when he faced none other than Margaret Thatcher.

The explanation for His Lordship’s defeat, found on his website, strangely didn’t appear in the official biography of Lady Thatcher.

“His innocent tryst with Prime Minister Maggie Thatcher cost him the ’87 election when she threatened blackmail.“

Never one to flinch from a challenge, Lord Buckethead subsequently stood against two more incumbent prime ministers, John Major and Theresa May, or rather – various incarnations of His Lordship stood, as the man behind the mask changes at each election.

If anyone were to question his suitability to stand in a terrestrial political contest, they would have to take up the issue with Her Majesty, the Queen.

Having been granted permission to discuss Lord Buckethead’s plans, we soon realised we were dealing with a truly imperial being, when our first question was greeted with this reply.

KNEEL, SUPPLICANT! YOU ARE IN THE PRESENCE OF YOUR SUPREME GALACTIC OVERLORD!

Suitably chastened, we proceeded with the Q&A.

1. What are your key vote-winning policies?

In these troubled times of “fake news” and “alternative facts” I think honesty is the best policy. It’s a phrase I have just invented and I am quite pleased with it.

But I am also proud of some of my other policies, such as having Nigel Farage sold off for parts, the nationalisation of Ant and Dec and making Sir Richard Attenborough a Grade II listed building.

2. As Official Monster Raving Loony Party policies have been stolen in the past, such as passports for dogs and all-day alcohol licences, are you concerned that the same might happen to anything from your 2019 manifesto?

One of the policies we discussed and ultimately rejected as being too cruel was the privatisation of oxygen, but now I hear the Conservatives are considering it.

3. With which party leader would you most like to have a head-to(bucket)head debate?

I think a face-off between candidates with no face would be interesting. But I would have to say the opponent I really should debate is the current member of parliament for Uxbridge and South Ruislip, because the prospect of “Buckethead versus Mop head” is too good to resist.

4. If you won the seat and could tip the balance of power in the House of Commons, would you form an alliance with any of the major parties?

As an Imperial Space Lord, soon to be welcomed as Imperial Galactic Overlord of Earth, I believe it would be impossible for us to align ourselves with any of the sillier parties, who don’t seem to have any serious policies or a leader with actual leadership qualities.

That’s why we’ve teamed up with The Official Monster Raving Loony Party, because when the whole of politics is crazy, “loony” is the only sensible option.

5. How would a theoretical Prime Minister Buckethead make better use of 10 Downing Street than the incumbent?

DO NOT LOOK ME DIRECTLY IN THE VISOR, FEEBLE MEAT PUPPET!

That’s better. Well, on day one I would have all of the door frames raised by two feet. Then I would knock the wall between Number 10 and Number 11 through, to give more room for my pet Garganthinels to play and… feed.

6. If you had to recommend one environmentally friendly action to the citizens of Earth, which would it be, and do you already do it?

I would build a Dyson sphere – a megastructure that completely encompasses a star, harnessing a large percentage of its power output – around the sun.

This would create countless millions of jobs, provide limitless cheap energy and cut global warming by 40% (on the Economy 7 setting).

7. Are there any little Bucketheads running around, and could you go one better than your main opponent by being able to count them?

CURSE YOUR INSOLENCE! HOW DARE YOU BROACH THE TOPIC OF MY SPAWN!

Suffice it to say there is a legion of Bucketlings spread across the outer rim, poised to join me as I overthrow and enslave humanity from the back benches.

8. What is your official Brexit policy?

On my first day in Parliament, I would put forward a motion to hold a referendum on leaving the solar system to create better trade deals with other planets.

That, to me, would make about as much sense as Brexit.

We’re now more convinced than ever that the Prime Minister is avoiding Lord Buckethead.

You can head over to his official website here to fill in any blanks; you can also follow him on Twitter.

Source: lordbuckethead.co.uk, @LordBuckethead, additional info, Image: @LordBuckethead, lordbuckethead.co.uk