Your 26 funniest takes on New Year’s resolutions
The year is almost over, at the time of writing, and so is the decade. What better time to try and get rid of some bad habits, pick up some good ones, or vice versa if that’s how you feel?
That’s why you’ll have seen a lot of talk about New Year’s resolutions. You can make them seem a bit more interesting if you follow @roxiqt’s advice.
SAYING YOU ARE MAKING A NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION
• predictable & boring
• nobody wants to hear about itSAYING YOU "THINK THE TIDES ARE TURNING"
• what the hell does that mean?
• are you some kind of ocean wizard?
• you seem mysterious & powerful— Roxi Horror 💀🌸 (@roxiqt) December 26, 2019
Or you can just completely take the piss out of them, like these people.
1.
You should never ask a poet what their New Year’s resolutions are. We tend to be like, “Oh you know, learning to be more at ease with my pain.”
— Ada Limón (@adalimon) December 29, 2019
2.
A lot of you are making resolutions. This is the year I planned to give up processed foods, learn the harp, grow my hair and move to the coast, develop modified scales and spend my nights luring fishermen to their deaths.
I’ve got a bit of a cold though, so we’ll see.— Ghostinthehost (@Ghostinthehost) December 31, 2019
3.
My new year's resolution is to double my height. Already halfway there, fellas.
— Darkk Mane (@DarkkManeiac) December 27, 2019
4.
Cops: stop that
Me, furiously flinging dumbbells i stole from the gym into the river, because my new year's resolution was to lose weight: no
— anxious rhombus (@rhombustimes) December 27, 2019
5.
New Year’s Resolutions:
1. Open a restaurant called “Pizza Wizard”
2. Invent pepperoni-stuffed pepperoni
3. Profit
— 🅿️rofessor Kiosk 💊 (@professorkiosk) December 28, 2019
6.
An enthusiast end of year conversation:
“Did you have a nice Christmas?”
“Quite quiet, really. Up to much for New Years?”
“Probably just have a quiet one. You?”
“Nothing planned. Haven’t really thought about it to be honest. Made any resolutions?”
“Nah. You?”
“Nah”— VeryBritishProblems (@SoVeryBritish) December 30, 2019
7.
ME: Just getting things ready for my New Year's dissolution.
FRIEND: Haha, you mean resolution?
ME (filling bathtub with acid): No.
— Ray (@SirEviscerate) December 29, 2019
8.
it's never too late to make your 2009 new year's resolutions
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) December 28, 2019
9.
Tried to cancel my membership at the local fetish club but I'm tied in #NewYearsResolution
— Ben Turner Comedian (@benturnercomedy) December 30, 2019
10.
New Years Resolution #8:
Spend more time with family
[adds them to a DM room]
— The Resolutionary The Alex Nevil (@TheAlexNevil) December 28, 2019
11.
PROTIP: You will always keep your New Year's Resolutions by never making any.
— The Cultured Ruffian (@CulturedRuffian) December 27, 2019
12.
My New Year's Resolution:
When they call RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK
"Indiana Jones AND THE Raiders of the Lost Ark"……let it go.
Just let it go.
I can do that.
I can totally do that.
That is very doable.
Even though it is so so so WRONG.
That's a thing I can do.
In 2020.
— Dan Slott (@DanSlott) December 25, 2019
13.
You say “New Year’s Resolutions”, but I just call them “Lies I tell myself”
— Scottish Scott from Scotland (@AScottishScott) December 27, 2019