Cameron gives exact dimensions of the big society

Speaking in Liverpool, PM David Cameron today laid out the specifics of his plan to make Britain a ‘big society’.

“Yes, we are facing big challenges,” he told an audience of business leaders, “The economic recession is big, redundancies are big, personal debt is big – but if the challenge ahead is big, then we must all be big. A big society will make a better, bigger future for everyone.’

David Cameras-on went on to detail what he meant by ‘big’: “When I say ‘big’, I mean ‘BIG’. Yes, the pound is going to be almost worthless, but the pound is going to be BIGGER. I’ve just instructed the Royal Mint to produce a new, MASSIVE five pound note so it will feel like more for everyone. Yes, there will be fewer homes, but I’m going to make them BIGGER so that you can have four thousand welfare families under a single, absolutely bloody ENORMOUS roof.

There will be fewer policemen on the streets. But for every ten policemen I make redundant, we will have in place by 2014 one GIGANTIC twenty-foot tall super-bobby. That is technically a BIGGER police force. Cars will be BIGGER. Buses, shops, hospitals. Every town in England needs a church, a pub, a school, a post office. And using cash from little old ladies’ dormant bank accounts I’m giving local councils the power to make each one of those buildings so ridiculously, HUMUNGOUSLY BIG that it blocks out the light of the sun.”

In a final flourish which wowed his audience, Cameras-on revealed that he had instructed parliament to draw up a new Measurement Regulations Act: “All units of measurement are being redefined as we speak. Although technically much smaller, the ‘big mile’ means that Britain now covers an area of 900 million square miles. Think about it: That makes our big society over 10,000 times bigger than the planet Jupiter.”