Budget airline to offer ‘low cost police service’
Privatisation of the police was back on the table last night as the government announced plans to contract out the running of the Metropolitan Police Force to budget airline company, Easyjet.
“We must reduce the deficit,” droned George Osborne, with a glazed look in his eye. “We must reduce the deficit. We must reduce the deficit.”
Receiving a sharp elbow from an aide, he then continued, “This deal is best for Britain. As so many times in the past, privatisation will mean greater efficiency, a radical improvement in the nation’s finances, and a happy public. If we want to keep crime down, and the deficit down then until now there was no Easyanswer. See what I did there?”
Easyjet, who outbid rivals Virgin, O2 and the Little Chef restaurant chain for a ten year contract to run the Met, unveiled the new EasyMet police logo at a press conference this morning, detailing plans of how they will maintain standards yet still turn a profit for shareholders.
“Prisoners will have to pay for all in-cell drinks and snacks,” said Chief Operating Officer Melinda Drawl. “We will also give the newly-arrested an option to fast-track their processing by paying extra for a scheme we call ‘Speedy Justice’.”
EasyMet officers will be required to wear a new orange uniform with orange helmets.
“This has tested well with focus groups,” Drawl insisted, “and we are confident that the partnership will roll out across the rest of the UK’s police forces in the near future. Except Northern Ireland. Orange police officers probably wouldn’t do down so well there.”