iConkers: ‘Worst App Ever’

Apple are set to announce their choice of ‘5 Worst iPhone Apps’ selected from the thousands of badly designed and pointless pieces of mini-software available from the iTunes store. Thanks to a leak by a tiny mole in the core of Apple’s headquarters, The Poke brings you an exclusive sneak preview:

1. iConkers (£0.59)

A truly faithful reproduction of the original school yard game – and as such of limited appeal to anyone without phone insurance. There is only so much fun you can get out of soaking your phone in vinegar, baking it, stringing it onto an old shoelace then smashing it into somebody else’s phone until one of them breaks.

2. Real Fat Booth (£0.59)

Unlike its namesake, this app bypasses the use of clever graphics algorithms to make you and your buddies look fat and instead uses the phone’s inbuilt GPS to locate your nearest MacDonalds, KFC or Burger King. The resulting ‘fat effect’ is uncomfortable and causes low self esteem.

3. M.M.O.R.P.G! (£2.99)

Yet another Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game let down by the fact that most of the people will be role-playing a liberated version of themselves: cruel, self-serving, imbecilic – this will inevitably ruin your gaming experience and cause you to marry one of them.

4. Bomber Drone (Free)

Learn to remotely fly a real fully armed US drone on clandestine bombing missions over the border between Pakistan and Afghanistan. Sounds fun but the difficult in-game targeting and the resulting civilian casualties reported nightly on Sky news will definitely give you Post Traumatic Stress Disorder after a few goes.

5. iJunky (Free)

On the plus side this is a free app, but to get anywhere in the game you need to keep buying ‘Ten Bag’ apps from the game designers. Luckily those ‘Ten Bag’ apps are only 59p. Unfortunately, at higher levels, you need to buy anywhere between 12 and 15 of them a day, which is prohibitively expensive until you download the free apps, ‘iStealFromFriends’ and ‘iProstitute.’

What’s the worst app you’ve seen? Comment below!