Britain halts sales of torture ‘best-seller’ to Libya

Arms News: ‘Disturbed’ by ‘on-going regional events’ the British government today officially revoked the arms licence of the UK’s biggest export to Libya and Bahrain: the Torture-Mate™.



A foreign office spokesperson revealed; “The Torture-Mate is one of the last wholly British-made products, and we were tremendously proud of the money that this export made for Britain. However, it was only ever sold for ‘training purposes only,’ and once it was found that attachments such as bolt cutters, pliers, buzz-saw and high-end sodomization capability could be used not just on dummys of oppressed Middle Eastern people, but actual real Middle Eastern people themselves, we of course immediately revoked the licence.”

Originally marketed as the ‘ultimate torturer’s friend with an inexhaustible supply of attachments’, the Torture-Mate has made millions for the British economy down the years. When Tony Blair was Prime Minister it is believed that he personally presented an engraved one to Colonel Gaddafi as a gift.

The Ministry of Defence also revealed the following export licenses are also now ‘under serious review’: the Torture-Mate™ (SAUDI ARABIA, YEMEN, EGYPT), Plutonium pellets (NORTH KOREA, IRAN), Electric cabling, rubber floor mats, buckets of water (ZIMBABWE, INDONESIA), ‘Weapons of mass destruction’ (IRAQ), the Waterboard-Mate™ (USA), Metal neck-ties, electric cattle prods (THE ‘SAW’ FILM FRANCHISE).