IDS launches ‘out-of-work experience’

UK News: The Secretary of State for Works and Pensions, Ian Duncan Smith, has today unveiled new and controversial plans for an ‘out-of-work experience’ scheme for secondary school children, designed to replace the current ‘work experience’ program.

He told The Commons today: “In the current economic climate we feel that ‘work experience’ has no relevance, and children would gain more benefit from an ‘out-of-work experience’. We have found that many schoolchildren insist on harbouring feelings of optimism about their future. It is the aim of ‘out-of-work experience’ to address this grave delusion.”

Though the exact nature of the scheme is yet to be disclosed, details to have emerged include:

– All pupils to spend at least 6 hours a day becoming acclimatised to daytime television. Students will be specifically tested on ‘Dom Littlewood’ tolerance levels.

– Students will be taught to roll their own cigarettes using cheap, illegally imported rolling tobacco.

– The children will be encouraged to write multiple job application letters, which will immediately be binned, unread, by the supervising teacher.

– Pupils will be be given guided tours of Lidl, and presented with a complimentary ready made own-brand meal to train their taste buds for the future.

Mr Duncan Smith stressed however that the new program would not be introduced into fee-paying schools.

“This means of course that the shiniest, brightest children in the country will still be allowed to have ambition, as in their case it will be realistic.”