Israel seizes Palestinian weekend

Middle East News: Israeli tanks and bulldozers rolled into Palestine yesterday, seizing and occupying a large area of the Palestinian weekend in what is being called ‘The One Day War’.

Israelis celebrate new three day weekend
We took the Palestinian Saturday as an act of self-defence,” said Ehud Barak, Israeli Defence Minister. “1 in 7 rocket attacks happen on a Saturday and we realised that that by removing the day from their possession altogether, we would reduce our casualties by roughly 14.285714% – recurring.”

And if Syria even thinks about looking at us funny next week, we’re taking their Sunday.”

Tel Aviv resident, Bob Shawcross welcomed the news. “Most people here are pretty happy with the new long weekend. Saturday is a very special day for us in Israel. Not many people go to work and we like to have a nice lie in, if the kids let us. Sometimes I bring my wife breakfast in bed and we read the papers before cleaning the house and then maybe popping down to the Farmer’s market. Have some food with family. Maybe light some candles if we forgot to on Friday night, maybe not. Pub later, catch up with friends. Now we can do it all twice, it’s brilliant.”

UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon issued a statement promising to ‘condemn the day-grab in the strongest possible terms until either Israel withdraws from the disputed Saturday or fifty years have gone by. Whichever happens sooner.’

To avoid a temporal imbalance, Israel simultaneously withdrew their settlements from Monday, meaning that the Palestinian week now has two Mondays.

Displaced Palestinian refugee, Mahmoud Azam, complained, “We don’t like Mondays. Either of them. Especially the Israeli one.”

Story: Toby Tripp