65% Of Britons ‘Unable To Shit’ Without A Smartphone

Poo News: A shock new study has revealed that nearly two thirds of the UK population can’t take a dump unless they’re clutching a smartphone.

The study – which was conducted over two years and involved scientists watching nearly 3,500 people plopping – found that many Britons are unable to drop their guts without holding a phone, even if they’re not actually using it.

“It’s like a security blanket,” said one of the participants in the study, conducted by Aberystwyth University.

“I couldn’t bear the idea of spending a few minutes on the toilet without keeping up with the news, so my phone is the perfect crapping companion. And if I run out of toilet paper I can just call or text someone – it’s basically a shitting Swiss Army knife.”

Other participants on the study told of the grave consequences of forgetting to take their phone to the loo.

“Sometimes when I forget to take my iPhone with me to the loo, I have to improvise. The other week I had to read the label on a bottle of Domestos – it was awful.”

Story: Simon Swatman