The most outrageous, funniest jokes Frankie Boyle has ever told

Frankie is no stranger to controversy – and we’ve selected 28 of his rudest, funniest comments for your reading pleasure, so take it away Frankie!

>> Frankie Boyle insulting celebrities…

  • Piers Morgan says women send him their knickers in the post. Presumably with the message “From one twat to another”
  • Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!
  • Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair’s put on weight and had a mild stroke.
  • He looks terrible doesn’t he, [Gordon] Brown? He looks like a sad face that someone has drawn onto their scrotum.

  • Goldie’s autobiography is called “Nine Lives”, which is a stupid title for a man with a dog’s name.
  • A woman who’s brainier than Kurt Cobain’s garage wall, it’s Carol Vorderman!
  • (On the Queen of England) “I’ve had a few medical problems this year. I’m so old, my pussy is haunted.”
  • The thing that nobody really said about Rebecca Adlington is that she looks pretty weird. She looks like someone who’s looking at themselves in the back of a spoon.

>> Frankie Boyle on news events…

  • People say that Steve Jobs died to soon. But I think it was a fitting metaphor for his company’s attitude to battery life
  • I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?
  • The tragedy is that if Oscar Pistorius had no arms, this would never have happened
  • We sent Prince Harry to Afghanistan. Because when you want to teach people about democracy, you send them a prince. You teach them about peace and democracy by having a prince shoot at them from a helicopter.
  • (on MOCK THE WEEK) Hello and welcome to Working Lunch, a show for people who are so good at business they’re sat at home watching TV in the middle of the day.

>> Frankie Boyle on Scotland…

  • 3 Million for the funeral of Margaret Thatcher? For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.
  • In Scotland we have mixed feelings about Global Warming. Because we all get to sit on the mountains and watch the English drown.
  • Having a gang-bang in Scotland in the winter is like playing Pass The Parcel: there’s that many layers!
  • The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.
  • On the most Scottish thing he’d ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o’clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.
  • (On the Scottish referendum) I should have expected this, because if you’d asked me to estimate how many c**ts there were in Scotland I’d have said about 2 million

>> Frankie Boyle on technology…

  • Animals don’t watch porn, do they? Unless you include my cat.
  • You say snapchat, I say speedwank.

>> Frankie Boyle on *cough* child enthusiasm…

  • Why do paedophiles always have beards and glasses? What is it about that look that children find so sexy?
  • When I was about 8 or 9, I was a massive Michael Jackson fan and I wish I had known at the time that I was his type.

>> Frankie Boyle just being Frankie Boyle…

  • There’s an alternative ending to Dr. Who, where it’s about a guy who gives young women hallucinogenic drugs and shags them in a phonebooth.
  • Our greatest fear is to die alone, which is why I intend to take quite a few people with me.
  • Cricket. No matter who wins, both teams, and all the fans, are losers.
  • What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked, instead of this multiple choice system? If anything goes wrong, you’ll be sitting there while the whole toilet wall slowly slides away, unveiling you like a prize on a quiz show. For 500 points, a shitting woman!

>> And finally, let’s give the last word to… Frankie Boyle

  • If you get offended by any jokes, by the way, feel free to Tweet your outrage on a mobile phone made by a ten year old in China.

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