Simply 40 funny one-liners by 40 very funny women
It was International Women’s Day, this week so here are 40 of the funniest women you should be following on Twitter.
1.
Sometimes I wonder if I spoil the cat, seeing him with his iPad, in his yurt. pic.twitter.com/45ScY3Rloe
— Liz Buckley (@liz_buckley) January 21, 2015
2.
I call my vagina “New Yorker cartoon” because it’s dry and a handful of people have laughed at it
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) October 16, 2016
3.
What’s YOUR body type? pic.twitter.com/07dL0LjufT
— Gemma Correll (@gemmacorrell) January 22, 2015
4.
— Ruby (@rubyetc) February 24, 2017
5.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.— OhNoSheTwitnt (@OhNoSheTwitnt) May 1, 2015
6.
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter shortening its name to Alt Butter
— Cal Wilson (@calbo) January 24, 2017
7.
Rhinos are just fat, dirty unicorns.
— Sam (@sam_bambs) June 19, 2016
8.
Well you can tell by the way I use my walk
I’m a butter man
No time for Stork #GBBOpic.twitter.com/JjDSAzwmHc— kath 🙀❄️ (@KathyBurke) September 22, 2016
9.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
— maura quint (@behindyourback) November 2, 2015
10.
me at hotel: *pushing all the continental breakfast tables together*
hotel security: miss why are you-
me: PANGEA BREAKFAST
— keely flaherty (@keelyflaherty) December 14, 2016
11.
Sad that there are more black people in Beyoncé right now, than in Trumps entire cabinet team.
— Gráinne Maguire (@GrainneMaguire) February 1, 2017
12.
i need to see a birth certificate to be sure Donald Trump was born and not summoned
— ziwe (@ziwe) January 8, 2017
13.
Wait is this the mansplainin emoj
— Chelsea Peretti (@chelseaperetti) June 28, 2016
14.
DATING TIP: If you fill up a backpack with hot bread and wear it to bed it feels like spooning
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) September 27, 2015
15.
If Janet Jackson doesn’t call her new baby ‘Imsorrymiss’ then what is the actual point.
— Ciara Knight (@Ciara_Knight) May 4, 2016
16.
Biden: Trump better not get in my face… cos I’ll drop that motherfucker
Obama: Joe.
Biden: pic.twitter.com/oB6kUbBvuQ— Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) November 10, 2016
17.
Me: Excuse me sir, what's your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL— Saucy Kensington (@Book_Krazy) June 14, 2014
18.
One for the money
Two for the show
Three to get ready
Four for marketing
Five for customer services
Six to hear these options again— Mitten d’Amour (@MittenDAmour) April 14, 2015
19.
TV idea: Celebrity chef cookery prog where they have to do the washing up after. Let’s see how many ingredients and pans they use then.
— Science (@Scientits) April 2, 2016
20.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) February 20, 2015