Just the 25 funniest jokes of the week – that’s all
13.
“Any questions?”
“Do you think babies find it weird that mummies don’t get their food from an even bigger boob?”
“I meant about the job”— James Felton (@JimMFelton) August 15, 2018
14.
Give a man a fish… Just give him the fish, asshole. He’s hungry, you’ve got an extra fish. Hand it over, fuckface. He doesn’t have time to go to your shitty “fishing school.” I’m gonna count to 3.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) August 14, 2018
15.
That bit in All The Presidents Men when Woodward & Bernstein are waiting outside the White House for Nixon & Nixon appears with cups of tea for them & Woodward & Bernstein are like
“Hahaha! Thanks Dicky, ya cheeky rascal”— joe heenan (@joeheenan) August 13, 2018
16.
My money is on the live wolves. pic.twitter.com/ViSw73tpvD
— Gareth Penrose (@garethpenrose) August 11, 2018
17.
Wife: Did you write that on there?
Me: Oh, err, yeah. It was for a twitter thing.
Wife: *stares into space* pic.twitter.com/7DIa2RXsKs— Nick Harvey (@mrnickharvey) August 14, 2018
18.
[at Dad’s fixing his printer]
Me:
Dad:
Me:
Dad:
Me:
Dad:
Me:
Dad:
Me:
Dad: Are they new shoes?
Me: No.
Dad:
Me:
Dad:
Me:
Dad:
Me:
Dad:
*PRINTER NOISES*
— JC (@JCautomatic) August 14, 2018
19.
*me when I don't bring my phone to the toilet*
Let's see what this shampoo bottle has to say about itself.
— Tokyo Sexwhale (@tokyo_sexwhale) August 15, 2018
20.
[cryptozoology meeting]
CRYPTOZOOLOGIST: The question remains, how and where does the Abominable Snowman sleep?
ME: Him a’ layin’.
CRYPTOZOOLOGIST: Have you been attending these all this time just to do that joke?
ME: Yep.
CRYPTOZOOLOGIST: Will you leave now?
ME: Not yeti.
— …And Justin For All (@Staggfilms) August 15, 2018
21.
Amazing discovery!!!! If your kids are squabbling, run naked into the room singing Let It Go at the top of your voice. They instantly unify.
— Shaparak Khorsandi (@ShappiKhorsandi) August 17, 2018
22.
Then they came for the Surrealists,
And I did not speak out,
Because my tuba was on fire.— paul bassett davies (@thewritertype) August 16, 2018
23.
Just watched a report about which food contains the most salt. Turns out it's salt
— Craig Deeley 🇪🇺🏳️🌈 🇺🇦 (@craiguito) August 16, 2018
24.
FUCKING THE CAT pic.twitter.com/gyNWhzjPUl
— Wheel Of Fortune Answers (@wofanswers) August 15, 2018
25.
Just so we can settle this: The Nazis were not socialists. They were fascists. The title of a thing does not necessarily determine its nature. See also Bombay Duck.
— Michael Moran (@TheMichaelMoran) August 17, 2018