This hilarious NSFW story is why strict boundaries are vital in a shared house

Communal living has its benefits – there’s often someone to talk to, it’s cheaper to shop for two or more than for one and you can get a rota going for putting the kettle on. On the minus side, you can be kept awake by their snoring, they might be a terrible slob who makes more mess than they clear and it can be difficult to get some privacy for a bit of intimate time.

That last issue was what led to this incredibly awkward but hilarious situation, related by Redditor, Struggling_to-Keto.

She explained the context of what happened – and it seemed reasonable.

Oof

My roommate told me that she was going to be out of town for a week and would be back on Sunday night. She usually always follows her schedule and never deviates from it.

A week ago, I ordered a dildo that had a suction cup base, and was roughly the size of my boyfriends. I don’t particularly like using my toys when my roomie is home, on the off chance that she somehow hears me or whatever. So this was fucking fantastic and I was ecstatic.

My plan was to use the living room space and use one of my smaller tables, so I could sit on it and act like it was my bf. I’m not really experienced in the sex department and I wanted to make a good show for his upcoming birthday so I was going to practice until she got back.

It was unfortunate that what might have been an alarm had effectively been disabled.

Before I get into the main event. I need to explain the layout of this house. When opening the front door, you walk right into the mud room which has a swinging door that USED to squeak, we don’t wear shoes in the house only slippers or socks. After leaving the mudroom you’re in the kitchen and around the corner and across the hall is the living room.

Since the swinging door used to squeak we’d know when someone was here if we heard the noise. However since we got it fixed it’s silent.

Just a reminder that we did say it’s NSFW – and she didn’t stint on detail.

Now on to the main event. I had set up the living room, with my small table in the middle, a chair in front of me to so I could balance and my ‘sexy time’ music on low, with the lights dimmed. Then I pulled out my new toy and I literally smashed that fella on the table and made sure it stuck.

Then I got dressed down to what I would be wearing. It was just a long ass tshirt that hit my knees, but underneath I had my lingerie, I did this so I would be in the head space and so I could I imagine the upcoming day.

At this point I’m on the toy and I had a pretty good groove going and I was thinking okay it’s not that hard, but my hips were sore so I grabbed some pillows to support, and then I heard a noise. I fucking froze and turned around and it was my cute pupper! I shoo’d him out and continued.

This is the moment that will probably haunt her forever.

Another couple minutes go by and I can hear my dog get the zoomies and playing with her toy running back and forth with it. Until I realized, that how the fuck was she fetching something she can’t even throw. I then heard the suitcase rolling from the kitchen to the hallway and I felt my entire body flush and get immediately sweaty and my heart rate skyrocket. I heard the suitcase stop and when it did I hopped my body off and grabbed the dildo to pull it off, but that fucker didn’t budge. I was doing some mad calculations in my mind to try and explain this…

If this isn’t A-Team-level ingenuity, we don’t know what is.

Lightbulb!

My shirt is long enough, my undies are crotchless and she’ll never be able to tell! I sat myself right back down, turned the TV on Rick and Morty, put a pillow up on the fucking chair and acted like I had been watching this the entire night.

She came in and saw me and asked why I was sitting like that and I made some bullshit up saying my back hurt and I was just letting it stretch out. She nodded and then plopped her ass on the couch. Now this would’ve been okay, if it wasn’t for the fact that I was sitting on a dildo and leaning forward in a position that was starting to get uncomfortable.

Not to mention some next-level commitment.

We sat there for 2 hours and she never even got up. She told me she came back early since she finished up her work early and we chatted for a bit until the show ended and then she picked the handmaids tale.

At this point I’m so sore and by sheer will I’m keeping it together, because this would be incredibly awkward at this point to get up and act normal.