Our 25 favourite jokes of the week

Oonagh Keating. Updated March 29th, 2019

What a week it’s been, with Donald Trump still at large after Robert Mueller couldn’t find concrete evidence of collusion, Theresa May promising to resign if MPs would support her deal and *checks notes* drugs and phones smuggled into a prison, sewn into dead rats. Like the old curse says “May you live in interesting times”.

But put all that out of your mind for five minutes and check out these very funny things we’ve seen on Twitter this week.

1.
https://twitter.com/FernBrady/status/1110796964164059136

2.
https://twitter.com/arcadeseals/status/1110269434206261253

As Gibraltar bans people from releasing helium balloons, police admit those caught doing so will probably get off lightly.

— Have I Got News For You (@haveigotnews) March 26, 2019

How to make a tweet go viral

1. Write a good tweet

2. Tweet it at the perfect time

3. Get it liked and shared by a few big accounts

4. Sacrifice a clown

5. Bathe in his blood

6. Sit back and relax as the likes come pouring in

— 🐦Kate amongst the pigeons🐦 (@MorticiaKate) March 26, 2019

Went to the dentist for a filling, he gave me coronation chicken, turns out it was a sandwich shop and I needed an optician not a dentist.

— Olaf Falafel (@OFalafel) March 27, 2019

God: [puts P L A T Y P U S on Scrabble board]
Angel: That's not a word
God: It is
Angel: What is it then?
God: It's um…
[starts rummaging through a box of offcuts]
it's a…

— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) March 27, 2019

That’s a bit of a blow for evolution. pic.twitter.com/unNYTTIAUL

— Mark Gillies (@5goalthriller) March 26, 2019

Never give up. Did Stanley Kubrick give up when his first 2000 Space Odyssey films were shit? No, he didn’t and 2001 was a bona fide classic. #NeverGiveUp

— Bethany Black (@BeffernieBlack) March 24, 2019

Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?

Kid: Yep

Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher

Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking

— schmox (@IvoryGazelle) March 28, 2019

10.

EU plans speed-limiting technology for new cars from 2022. Angry BMW Drivers respond, "Next they'll be installing indicators".

— News With Jokes (@newswithjokes) March 28, 2019

11.

Me: pizza's here
Cat: I said ”no olives”, you piece of shit pic.twitter.com/I4oU7TGEn1

— Father Drinks McGee (@drinksmcgee) March 27, 2019

12.

Me: [throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in ten years]

Macgyver: all I need to save us is a paper clip

Me: fuck

— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) March 26, 2019

13.

[First date]
Me: So tell me about yourself Brian.
Him: My name is Chaz.
Me: I know but I refuse to call you that.

— Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) March 27, 2019

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