The 25 funniest tweets of the week
13.
Alexa, find me Billy Elliot’s cat pic.twitter.com/XBFGQ7Vug6
— Paul (@bingowings14) June 25, 2019
14.
Was adamant that my kitchen was on the tele in the adverts just now. It frightened me because I could see myself just sat in a pair of tracksuit bottoms and I panicked. It was just a really dark advert and the reflection. I need to sort my life out.
— Rylan Clark-Neal (@Rylan) June 27, 2019
15.
Just spent an entire traffic light trying to get the attention of a little dog in the passenger seat. It was a man’s arm in the end. 😔
— Katherine Ryan (@Kathbum) June 27, 2019
16.
I was making a massaman curry, carefully took the seeds from cardamon pods, added cumin seeds, mustard seeds, star anise, toasted them in a pan, then ground them to a fine powder with a mortar and pestle, which skidded out of my hands to the floor. So I’ve ordered a takeaway.
— Richard Coles (@RevRichardColes) June 27, 2019
17.
Does anyone ‘solicit’ dick pics? Is there a Dick Solicitor? Where did he sit the bar exams? Why that particular specialisation?
— Sara Pascoe (@sarapascoe) June 27, 2019
18.
Twitter: Tell me something I don’t know.
Me: Eh?
Twitter: I’ll wait.
Me: What for?
Twitter: Wrong answers only.
Me: Twitter, are you on glue?
— Jayne Sharp (@Jaynesharp) June 27, 2019
19.
Pretty good odds he thinks a dad bod is just a bod that will never love you back pic.twitter.com/v9RZyrnTkG
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) June 27, 2019
20.
Woman in front of me in the shop: "Is it just me, or is it really warm & humid?" It's just you, Karen. I always sweat from under my eyes when I'm freezing.
— Johanna (@ThenJoSaid) June 25, 2019
21.
me: has never done cocaine
me walking through airport security: oh god what if i have cocaine in my bag— claire (@cloxic) June 25, 2019
22.
i’m off to glastonbury to sell some breast milk cheese falafels from the back of my f**king tuk tuk… pic.twitter.com/2SP4oilpsG
— forest fr1ends (@forest_fr1ends) June 27, 2019
23.
Apparently it's only repartée if it comes from the repartée region of France otherwise it's just sparkling wit.
— Lulu (@Mmelulu) June 23, 2019
24.
"No I haven't got "Going Underground." Fuck off." pic.twitter.com/DPAYMulV7s
— Paul Jenkins (@fourfoot) June 27, 2019
25.
— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) June 26, 2019