Our 25 favourite funny things from the week
13.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
— m@thew (@TweetPotato314) November 21, 2019
14.
greta thunberg…. thank u pic.twitter.com/NKqrIj1xHX
— Sean (@seanbgoneill) November 21, 2019
15.
Don’t put the Paul McCartney before the Paul Mchorsey.
— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) November 19, 2019
16.
me: not today Satan
Satan: tomorrow?
me: no I’ve got Pilates
Satan: *sweating* day after?
me: look I’ll call you ok? I’ve got to go
— Funk doctor (@FU_TangClan) November 17, 2019
17.
— Ruthe Phoenix (@RuthePhoenix) November 17, 2019
18.
me: bed time
brain: google all the teachers you ever had and see what they're up to
— Desus Nice (@desusnice) November 20, 2019
19.
FRIEND:*Feeding ducks*
ME: Did you know you’re not supposed to give them bread?
DUCK: Hey, did you know you can shut the fuck up?
— MehGyver (@TheAndrewNadeau) November 19, 2019
20.
Problem with dating apps is they're too superficial, it's all based on looks instead of the traits that ACTUALLY matter in a relationship, like personality, and sense of humour, and how many badgers you can wrestle into submission during a fifteen minute period (eleven)
— Ciara | Ciaraíoch 🎨 (@Ciaraioch) November 20, 2019
21.
Write like the ghosts of all the women in history who weren't allowed to write are standing next to you wondering what a laptop is and why you're still in your pajamas.
— Lucie Britsch (@LucieBritsch) November 20, 2019
22.
been laughin at this for over 13 hours pic.twitter.com/8f2FofSacA
— RatCasket (@RatCasket) November 18, 2019
23.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
— Annie Hatfield (@HatfieldAnne) November 21, 2019
24.
Interviewer: All it says on your resume is ‘brevity is the soul of wit’. Could you please elaborate?
Me: No.
— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) November 19, 2019
25.
Lost my wife at the @vagina_museum
Me texting: Where are you? I'll come find you.
Wife: Cool, I'm over by the clitoris.
Me: Oh no. pic.twitter.com/B5LwseQtTQ
— ʜᴜᴍᴀɴ ʙᴇɪɴɢ (NOT BEES) (@human_not_bees) November 20, 2019
Source: Twitter Image: Twitter