25 of the funniest things we’ve seen on Twitter this week
The news has been full of grim updates and gloomy predictions about Covid-19, so we could all be forgiven for feeling miserable. Thankfully, the Twitter stalwarts have been out in force, coming up with the funnies.
These were our favourites.
1.
[product design meeting:]
as we all know, women only ever need handbags to either carry one single pen or seventeen melons,
— Marie Le Conte (@youngvulgarian) March 1, 2020
2.
I need a theory of semantics that accounts for this pic.twitter.com/PQjKV0bSSO
— Joshua Raclaw (@joshraclaw) February 28, 2020
3.
at the age of 27 all men have to decide if they're going to be the late 20s/early 30s kind of guy who can take care of houseplants and his sourdough culture OR if he is going to continue only having one towel and using a skateboard as his main mode of transport
— Natalya Lobanova (@NatalyaLobanova) February 29, 2020
4.
No hand sanitiser? No problem!
1. Stew 20 sliced lemons in vinegar for 5 hours.
2. Drain, mix in blender.
3. Reduce 1 pint alcohol on low heat for 3 hours.
4. Add 10 drops reduced alcohol to lemons every 30 minutes.
5. You’ve now spent all day indoors. No need for sanitiser!— paul bassett davies (@thewritertype) March 1, 2020
5.
conversation i just heard in wilko:
him: do you reckon you’ll need ID?
her: why would i need ID to buy a cactus?
him (incredulous): cos it’s spiky man— don’t give up (@multiplebears) February 29, 2020
6.
Seems a perfectly reasonable justification for my forthcoming killing spree. pic.twitter.com/son1CkjNhq
— Jason Hazeley (@JasonHazeley) March 1, 2020
7.
I take about 20 mins to leave a hotel room when I checkout.
"Better check the bathroom.
Phone charger!
It's in my suitcase.
Shit my glasses!
It's ok I'm wearing them.
Better check the bathroom again.
The bed!
That's the hotels.
Right, let's go!"
*Checks bathroom*— joe heenan (@joeheenan) March 1, 2020
8.
bit harsh pic.twitter.com/NPZlZRXmRF
— SheRa Marley (@SheRa_Marley) March 1, 2020
9.
Narrator voice: they were not. pic.twitter.com/appDqwnsOe
— Ryan Cordell (@ryancordell) February 29, 2020
10.
Top Seven Times People Clap When They Shouldn’t:
7. After the Eulogy
6. Golfing
5. During Church
4. Any slow clap
3. After the sex
2. End of a movie at a theater
1. When the plane lands— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) February 29, 2020
11.
A couple share rice-cakes on the bus.
Man: Nice aren't they?
Woman: No Nathan. I'm sorry. I'm going to stop pretending I like them.
Silence.— Miranda Keeling (@MirandaKeeling) February 29, 2020
12.
Just got totally owned by the security guy at Dublin Airport. Coming up to the scanner he asked me to take my belt off and when I asked: “Are my shoes all right?” he replied: “I wouldn’t wear them” and got a big laugh from the rest of the queue #DIFF #Dublin2020
— Peter Bradshaw (@PeterBradshaw1) March 1, 2020