25 virus-free funny things from this week
13.
me: one cocaine mcflurry please
employee: u already know i can't do that
me: why?
employee: machine's broken
— inkedupandsonic (@sonictyrant) April 20, 2020
14.
You know who I can't stand? Drill sergeants. Too shouty. You catch more flies with honey, pal.
— Alasdair Beckett-King (@MisterABK) April 21, 2020
15.
We can all agree that ready meals “for two” is a misprint, can’t we?
— Stig Abell (@StigAbell) April 21, 2020
16.
I enjoy sitting by my window, watching the birds and imagine where they are flying to. I like to think they are on their way to the chip shop.
— Wilde Thingy (@wildethingy) April 21, 2020
17.
Too late to operate. pic.twitter.com/6KRUMVs949
— Marshall Julius (@MarshallJulius) April 21, 2020
18.
The existence of the meatball sub implies that there also exists a meatball dom pic.twitter.com/kCiHCUnstE
— linds (@Lwowwy) April 21, 2020
19.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
— Kayleecious🍧 (@TweetsByKaylee) April 21, 2020
20.
i just found out what french people call the Roadrunner and i am absolutely losing it pic.twitter.com/GB14NK0OGz
— Illy Boastman (@IllyBocean) April 21, 2020
21.
I thought the personalised message was for the driver not the pods 😂 oops pic.twitter.com/VFjkWD45wx
— Rosa Falcini (@rosa_falcini) April 18, 2020
22.
my friends: hey man, come smoke drugs and listen to pop rock sensation The Fray with us
me: i can’t, i need to study to get into med school
[later]
interviewer: do you know how to save a life
me: fuck
— soul nate (@MNateShyamalan) April 23, 2020
23.
DM: so moses the pharaoh is still refusing to let your people go since you botched that persuasion check, a-
MOSES: i cast insect plague
DM: are you sure? we haven't fully explored all the opt-
MOSES: (leans in very close) I. Cast. Insect Plague. #dnd
— Oliver Clegg 🌈 (@deathbybadger) April 23, 2020
24.
*enya voice* pic.twitter.com/IB5Gd4IKlM
— Freshwater Gobby (@juliadactyl) April 23, 2020
25.
Let my one year-old daughter play with my phone and she ordered one onion on Deliveroo. pic.twitter.com/28qVw0qYNP
— Jamie (@Jamsoir) April 20, 2020
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