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This spoof school letter hilariously explains how the pupils’ return might be handled

Oonagh Keating. Updated May 13th, 2020

In the latest update to the government’s coronavirus strategy, they have decided to begin a phased reopening of schools, starting with Reception, Year 1 and Year 6.

Not everybody is convinced that this is a good idea.

Prize-winning children’s author and very funny man, Philip Ardagh, has been having a think about how schools might prepare for the big reopening, and he has penned this hilarious letter.

It’s comedy gold.

In case that isn’t clear, we wouldn’t want you to miss out, so here it is again.

“Dear Mr Ardagh

We are delighted to report that St Andrew’s Primary will be open from next Monday and, should you be in a position to do so, your child/children will be able to return to school.

I am sure you will appreciate that, until Government restrictions are lifted, the school day will be very different to that in more normal times.

Firstly, on arrival at school, children will be required to strip to their underwear, shower and wear one of the disposable one-size-fits-all paper jumpsuits provided. We are aware that ‘one-size-fits-all’ is hugely optimistic and will do our best to adapt them accordingly, with the aid of clothes pegs, gaffer tape and – for the larger child – bin-liners.

Once in their jumpsuit, each child will be provided with and wear a 2-metre ‘distancer’. Made by Mr _____, the senior school’s woodwork teacher during lockdown, from a Government-provided template, a distancer is a metal hoop worn around the pupil’s waist like a belt, with a 2-metre long wooden pole, the width and shape of a broom handle, protruding from the front.

At regular intervals during the day, we are required to issue the instruction “Helicopter!” which, on hearing, requires the children to spin, their distancers acting not unlike helicopter rotor blades, to ensure that sufficient distance is being maintained between them.

We do appreciate that, in these initial stages, this is likely to cause damage to pupils, teachers and the school alike, which is why, as per Government instruction, we have set up a Nightingale Triage Tent in the playground, staffed by a volunteer healthcare professional, Miss ________, and have ‘Snazzy-Glass’, our local glazier, on speed-dial.

Miss ________’s Personal Protective Equipment has been decorated by her niece, Tanya, who won last year’s school design-a-bug-hotel-poster competition, to look as bright and cheerful and as non-threatening as possible.

All that it remains for me to do is to ask that you, as parent or carer, ensure that your child/children arrive at school at 5.00AM each day in order for us to facilitate these daily set-up protocols.

In the words of the Government, “Keep Doing Some Stuff, But Not Other Stuff.”

Twitter quite rightly loved it.

We’re so far through the looking glass, some wondered if it were real.

Someone was even more worried that it could become real.

Of course it won’t – the government has good, solid British common sense.

via Gfycat

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Source Philip Ardagh Image Philip Ardagh, @cdc on Unsplash