10 funny things people have been saying about the pandemic

Oonagh Keating. Updated July 20th, 2020

The gradual unlocking of the UK continues, as compulsory mask-wearing in shops comes into force in a few days, but not takeaways, obviously – that would be ridiculous because *checks notes* Michael Gove went maskless in Pret, soooo…

Instead of trying to fathom the logic of that, let’s just see what the funny people of Twitter have been saying.

1. Scientific advice feels like pearls before swine

We've gotta send kids back to school so one day they can be doctors and scientists, and everyone can ignore them.

— Matt Fernandez (@FattMernandez) July 17, 2020

2. Somewhere, there’s a monkey’s paw with just the middle finger sticking up

Imagine if the coronavirus happened because a little kid somewhere made a wish that their parents would spend more time with them, and it was granted by an evil genie.

— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) July 17, 2020

3. It’s important for the government to say what it’s doing without actually saying what it’s doing

I have committed to increasing our testing capacity to 500,000 a day by October.
And this time I have been careful to say 'capacity', so it doesn't matter how many people we actually get round to testing.
Oh look – I've hit my target already.

— Parody Boris Johnson (@BorisJohnson_MP) July 18, 2020

4. People need to own up to the consequences of their actions

PROPOSAL: you don't have to wear a mask, if instead you wear a big sign that says "It's my fault there won't be Christmas"

— Scott Gairdner (@scottgairdner) July 18, 2020

5. The advice isn’t getting any clearer

Johnson: “Stop working from home”

Vallance: “Keep working from home”

Johnson: “No lockdowns in future"

Vallance: “Lockdowns very likely in future”

Johnson: “Covid dealt with by Xmas”

Vallance: “Covid with us for years”

But remember, the government’s following the science.

— David Schneider (@davidschneider) July 19, 2020

6. People are desperate to get back to their usual sports

I always wear my fencing mask in the Co-op. Nothing to do with COVID but because an old lady drew a baguette on me once when I reached for the last fruit scone.

— Coley Parker (@facaldaqui) July 19, 2020

7. There’s no objection so trivial that an entitled columnist won’t compare it to Nazism

Remember when we went to war with the Nazis because they asked people to cover their faces in John Lewis pic.twitter.com/0zEMqi8PuT

— James Felton (@JimMFelton) July 19, 2020

8. Some of us have really missed people

me seeing someone i know on the street pre quarantine: *dart eyes downwards*

me seeing someone i know on the street now: HELLllllllo best friend of miiiiiiine are you free to talk for the next four houurrrrrrrrs

— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) July 19, 2020

9. Others haven’t

personally i love staying 6 feet away from people and hiding half of my face i don’t know why people are so against this

— syd (@squidvici0us) July 17, 2020

10. It’s important to have some perspective

Some people who may say covid was the worst thing to happen this year clearly haven't been watching Evernton's season

— Sir Stevo Timothy (@SirStevoTimothy) July 19, 2020

Image @jamiedavies on Unsplash