Ignacio Lopez’ story of a train guard going full Columbo on a ticket cheat is forever in the hall of fame
We very much enjoy seeing Spanish-Welsh comedian Ignacio Lopez popping up on our tellies, but most of his work remains out in the real world of theatres, comedy clubs and anywhere where people want a laugh.
With all the travelling he does from gig to gig, it’s really no surprise that he’s seen a lot of interesting and entertaining sights on public transport.
Back in 2020, he shared a story of how a ticket inspector turned into a regular little Columbo to foil someone’s attempt to get a free ride. It’s pretty special.
Witnessed the most amazing thing on the train to Edinburgh yesterday. A guy boarded in Wigan & sat opposite me. He went to sleep for an hour.
When he woke up he bought a sandwich, ate it & went back to sleep. (This isn’t a maths test, you don’t need to know the distance/speed).
— Ignacio Lopez (@comedylopez) 11 January 2020
Ignacio had a front-row seat for the one-act play, which means the rest of us got all the details.
Later, the train guard is walking through, checking tickets, and gently wakes the guy.
“Can I see your ticket, please?”
“Oh, I need to buy a ticket”
“Where you going, pal?”
The guy glances at his phone.
“Edinburgh”
“Where did you get on?”— Ignacio Lopez (@comedylopez) 11 January 2020
I can see the cogs working in this guy’s head. He figures out roughly where we are and what the last stop was.
“Carlisle”The train guard sits down next to him and pauses.
“Are you sure you didn’t get on sooner?”— Ignacio Lopez (@comedylopez) 11 January 2020
It looked like it might all hinge on whose nerve gave out first.
The guy is wondering if the guard saw him earlier. He decides to go for it. Poker face time.
I feel like I’m watching Pacino & De Niro face off in ‘Heat’. pic.twitter.com/P9yyX4dwUp
— Ignacio Lopez (@comedylopez) 11 January 2020
But there was something the sleepy passenger had overlooked …the guard had mad detective skills.
“I got on in Carlisle”
The train guard furrows his brow, puts his ticket machine down and picks up a receipt from the table in front of the guy.
“This train stopped in Carlisle 10 minutes ago, but this receipt was issued over an hour ago.”
— Ignacio Lopez (@comedylopez) 11 January 2020
— Ignacio Lopez (@comedylopez) 11 January 2020
The poker face came back into play.
Holy shit! Train Guard has evidence.
Wasn’t this supposed to be made available to the defence team?I can see the beads of sweat forming on the guy’s forehead.
“That’s not mine” (Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, the evidence the prosecution have is circumstantial)— Ignacio Lopez (@comedylopez) 11 January 2020
— Ignacio Lopez (@comedylopez) 11 January 2020
Would the bluff be enough? The circumstantial evidence began to mount up.
“This receipt is for a sandwich, you’ve got crumbs all over you.”
He does, too! The train guard is Sherlock Holming the crap out of this. The guy might has well have had mayo on his face. What a plum! pic.twitter.com/ul1z8r5QDJ
— Ignacio Lopez (@comedylopez) 11 January 2020
His nerve held …
“That’s not mine. I had a sandwich in Carlisle”
Damn. He’s denying everything. Is the train guard going to inspect the sandwich packaging?“Carlisle to Edinburgh, that’s £27. Cash or card?”
— Ignacio Lopez (@comedylopez) 11 January 2020
😧 He’s… he’s got away with it. Gutted. Really thought the train guard had him.
The guy pulls out his wallet & slides over his debit card. There’s a definite air of smugness, he put the card on the table like it was a platinum credit card.
— Ignacio Lopez (@comedylopez) 11 January 2020
It looked like game over.
Oh well, I guess he’s evaded justice this time. pic.twitter.com/g8LIJbLk7W
— Ignacio Lopez (@comedylopez) 11 January 2020
But it wasn’t … Just one more thing, Sir!
Wait…
The train guard is looking at the card very closely.The guy appears confused.
— Ignacio Lopez (@comedylopez) 11 January 2020