An ex-pat having a ‘homesick wobble’ asked for news from the UK – 23 spectacularly British answers

While we Brits love to have a good old moan about the state of the country, in all the many and varied ways we perceive it to be bad, we’d miss it like mad if we weren’t here.

Proving how sentimental we can be as a nation is Reddit user noctenaut, who posted this on the AskUK page:

‘From a Brit who left five years ago for South America, having a little homesick wobble – tell me something funny/interesting from back home, something only another Brit would understand, or, say anything at all?

‘Honestly, I just like to hear funny/interesting things from back home. Maybe you saw something wild in Poundland, maybe you found out something historically interesting Either way, whatever way, I’d like to hear it.

‘P.S. As much as I avoid British news, I know it’s not easy back there right now, or dare I say pleasant, but I wish all of you the best.’

And UK-dwellers chipped in with important missives and entertaining in-jokes aplenty from the half decade they have missed, like these…

1.

‘In the gym and there’s an eccentric looking dude with curly mad scientist hair and yellow knee high socks next to me shouting “DOWN, DOWN” in a properly posh English accent. I’m from Tyneside so this is rare. I go on a wtf then get on with my deadlifts.

‘Next he’s shouting “IN YOUR BED HERBERT! HERBIE, IN YOUR BED!” and getting increasingly more annoyed ’til he finally throws a full on foot-stamping tantrum.

When I’m heading for the shower I notice his mobile balanced on the floor in front of him, there’s a tiny curly dog of some kind looking into a video call and he’s busy shouting at his pet. Fucks given by Herbert: Zero.’
–Fifthwiel

2.

‘There’s still too many yellow ones in the Party Ring packs. Pink and purple are still the best.’
–philff1973

3.

‘Which is the complete opposite of Fruit Pastilles. When will the madness end?’
–Nikotelec

4.

‘Today is one of those cold, crisp blue sky days. Not cold enough for the grass to be crunchy but definitely big coat weather. The trees are still having a good show of colour and the forest looks beautiful.

‘All the Christmas ads are on TV already. John Lewis, Waitrose and Tesco all came up with good ads. Yet to have my first mince pie of the season but maybe on the next big shop.

‘PS – Its really not as bad as the press is making out here. The news knows that bad news sells and gets the clicks.’
–Substantial-Bug-4998

5.

‘Andrew Mountbatten Windsor is on the dole.’
–Boldboy72

6.

‘Costa Coffee are doing a Christmas Terrys Orange hot chocolate and it is great.’
–morecbt

7.

‘How about I treat you to a curmudgeonly rant? Hampshire Highways are still coming out and marking potholes with spray paint, then taking so long to come back and fix them that the rain has washed away the paint.

Then it’s ‘I swear it, lads, they were roight here, innit, marked ’em up meself, roight? Oh well, better mark up these ones now so we can come back to ’em after we’ve found the others eh?’

‘And off they fuck touring the countryside with their can of paint and not a repaired pothole to be found. It’s grade A British comedy, this!’
–Polyglot_ocelot

8.

‘The squirrels stole all the medlars off my tree this year. I’ve been growing that tree for five years, and it’s only just got enough fruit to make a pie, but I didn’t get one of them. All I’m growing in this garden is squirrels.’
–turbine-novice

9.

‘Nothing particularly interesting here, but i’ll give you a few fairly British entries from my ‘mind diary’ this week:

– A lady walked into me at the shop. Not my fault at all, and so I of course opened with an apology, and between us we said sorry a further four times.

– I decided to make small talk with an old acquaintance. It was awkward for us both and we ended with an unspoken yet obvious agreement to smile and carry on walking next time, or avoid each other if possible. It’s the polite thing to do.

– Took the family to the park. It was cold and wet enough for me to express a surprised comment on the fact, despite this being my 36th November spent in southern England.

– Driving home from work with a colleague. We both expressed mild disgust with the houses already displaying Christmas decorations. After dropping him off I turned on the radio and sang along to ‘Fairy tale of New York’ before arriving home to find my girlfriend putting the Christmas tree up.’
–Pebbles167

10.

‘In the past 5 years we had the following flavour waves in all the confectionery:

‘Oreo everything (meh)

‘Salted caramel everything (pretty good!)

‘Biscoff flavour everything (amazing at first, but became too common and samey)

‘Chocolate Orange everything (this one’s on the downturn, you missed the boat)

‘And now, absolutely shite Dubai pistachio flavour everything.’
–rainbosandvich

11.

‘My dad has retired recently and so he’d thought he’d go to an artist’s house that has been converted into a museum, I texted to ask how it went:

‘Yeah, the museum was fine, went to Greggs and halfway through the sausage roll a seagull snatched it out my hand. Thieving bastards. Going for a pint to recover.’

‘That tickled me.’
–pacmanfunky

12.

‘Every street now has one household with a Range Rover in the drive, white/grey plush velvet decor inside – owned by a beautician and a tradesman. Both with bright white fake teeth and a cockapoo/frenchie.

‘If your street doesn’t have one, you’re lying.’
–Then-Significance-74