Politics clacton count binface

Count Binface released his Clacton manifesto, and it could well have Nigel Farage in a cold sweat for the Wayne Rooney policy alone

Oonagh Keating. Updated July 28th, 2026

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It’s a little over two weeks to the Clacton by-election, and the electioneering is in full swing. By which we mean that Nigel Farage has bothered to turn up in the constituency he seemed unable to find with both hands and a flashlight until he needed to resign from it to avoid parliamentary scrutiny.

That couldn’t be more staged if it featured three Union Jack lions, a Spitfire, and a postman from 1957.

There is a massive list of 34 candidates running for the seat. We’ve posted them at the bottom, so you can pick your favourite or start an office sweepstake.

Before you get there, however, feast your eyes on the newly released manifesto of the only real contender in the fight against Reform UK, Count Binface, who has tailored his policies to the area.

In case that’s tricky to read –

“1. I will boost the region’s economy, prestige and fame.
2. I will cut your taxes, and raise everyone else’s.
3. Bus fares to be capped at £1.99, and 99 Flake ice-creams to cost no more than 99p.
4. I promise to spend more time in Clacton-on-Sea than in Washington DC, and to champion the area.
5. MPs who resign mid-parliament to be barred from the resulting by-election.
6. MPs who change party mid-parliament to be forced to face a by-election.
7. I pledge to build at least one affordable house.
8. Arcade grabber games to be made fairer so players actually have a chance to win.
9. Oil and gas companies to pay for solar panels for everyone. (From Jack, aged 10)
10. Regeneration of Walton Pier so it is just as great as Clacton Pier.
11. A windfall tax on cosy crime novels written (or ‘written’) by celebrities.
12. Potholes to be filled, using copies of the 2024 Labour Party Manifesto.
13. Parliament to be moved to my new Bin HQ, in Weeley, while the Palace of Westminster is restored.
14. People who drive past Clacton station with annoyingly loud exhausts to lose their licence.
15. I will not accept £5 million gifts from crypto billionaires (on Earth).
16. A referendum on whether Pluto should regain its planet status.
17. The hand-dryer in the gents’ toilet at the Great Himalayas restaurant, Southport to be moved to a more sensible position.
18. Wayne Rooney to be new expert summariser for the BBC at Eurovision.
19. Count Binface to represent the UK at Eurovision 2027, with Clacton hosting Eurovision 2028.
20. I stand by my past manifestos: Ceefax, speakerphones, nationalising Adele, renaming HS2 ‘FFS1’, the hand-dryer at the Crown & Treaty, I’ve got it covered.”

Some of those have ‘winner’ written all over them –

“I promise to spend more time in Clacton-on-Sea than in Washington DC, and to champion the area.”

“MPs who resign mid-parliament to be barred from the resulting by-election.”

“I will not accept £5 million gifts from crypto billionaires (on Earth).”

Hmmm. Who could possibly be the target of the snark in those particular policies?

But pledge 18, to make Wayne Rooney the new ‘expert summariser’ at Eurovision 2027, after his succinct description of the World Cup Final half-time show – surely that’s the clincher.

Here’s what people have been saying.

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