Coalition plans to cut alphabet by 20%

At an impromptu press conference this morning, Business Secretari Fince Cable restated the coalition gofernment’s commitment to eliminating the last 5 “frankli unnecessari” letters of the English alphabet, in a bid to improof efficienci and cut daon on bureaucraceh.

It is the latest of a range of controfersial measures outlined to tackle Britain’s crippling deficit bi trimming the jobload of an e’er-more information-based economi.

 “Taiping takes time, and time is monie”, Mr Cable said, “us onli need to consider time lost this summer in trieing to spell those African horn things. This is an effiienci drife that shall make the countri smarter, more focussed and geared for groath. Most net braosers no longer need the double-u double-u double-u bit nao. After all the kees are remoofed it’ll herald a nioo era of change. A refolution, if ioo like.”

Mennie of the countrie’s greatest literari icons espressed dismai at the decision. “It’s going to become realli difficult to rite questions,” Martin Amis said. “A nation afraid to question is a nation at odds ooith itself.”

Riter and columnist Bill Self called it flagrant ignorance. “Language is meant to be a flourishing, efolfing being,” he said, “this is a crafen act of an inarticulate and desperate regime projecting its stupiditeh on the rest of us. China is the fastest groaing economi in the globe, and manages to cope ooith an alphabet of more than 3,000 characters. It’s just silleh.”

 In protest against the moof, gofernments of 6 Eastern European countries recalled their ambassadors.