Hurt Locker! The Musical vs Avatar On Ice in West End showdown

London’s Theatreland is bracing itself for a face-off between two Hollywood franchises which have been revamped for the stage. In the tradition of Sister Act, Dirty Dancing and Legally Blonde, Avatar and The Hurt Locker are the latest shows set to dazzle audiences from next week.

The creative talents behind the unrelated productions are former husband and wife James Cameron and Kathryn Bigelow. The pair directed the two biggest movies of this year’s Academy Awards which ultimately saw Avatar (the most expensive movie of all time, and also the highest grossing) lose out to The Hurt Locker for Best Picture and Best Director, after which Cameron grinned painfully through the awards parties claiming he didn’t care and that he was delighted for Bigelow.

Both insist that they remain good friends, that the scheduling of the London premieres is coincidental, and that the rival productions should not be regarded in any way as merely the latest instalment in a bitter, twisted, hubristic grudge match being played out across western culture in multiple media formats.

Cameron says that his skate-dancing spectacular will do for ice what the movie did for 3D: ‘Ever since Titanic I’ve wanted to return to ice. That movie made a generation of teenagers capable of sexual arousal only by thinking of icebergs. Then Avatar ingrained sexual fantasies of enormous, blue, thonged acrobats in the human psyche. Avatar on Ice is those two dreams combined. You will never again make love without thinking of sexy blue people on ice.’

In contrast, Bigelow aims to woo critics with a more cerebral meditation on the Iraqi occupation: ‘Hurt Locker – The Musical! is no cheap special-effects gimmick. It’s not populated by Viagra-coloured sluts designed to engorge the flaccid ego of a mid-life crisis victim. Think of my show as an Improvised Explosive Device strapped to the balls of patriarchy which then explodes to spatter the walls with guilt, worthiness and instant funk-pop classics.’

Both shows are fully booked until June 2073.