Heston Blumenthal arrested over break-in

Fat Duck News: TV Chef Heston Blumenthal was arrested in Switzerland yesterday after illegally infiltrating the CERN institute near Geneva.

According to police, he was attempting to access the Large Hadron Colliderin order to use it as a cooking ‘super-utensil’ in his bid to create the perfect scrambled eggs.

The tearful chef told police that by smashing two free-range eggs together at a velocity approaching the speed of light, he hoped to create the elusive ‘anti-egg’ particles which would, in theory, “be hugely delicious on toast.”

Allowed to stroll into the institute through the main entrance, Blumenthal roamed about for almost two hours – unchallenged, police believe, because of his ‘boffin-ish appearance’.

He was only caught when actually mounting the LHC, eggs in hand.

“It wasn’t so much the eggs,” Hans Borst told reporters, the theoretical physicist who first spotted Blumenthal. “He was at the wrong end.”

As to what the consequences might have been had Blumenthal been successful in his near light speed egg collision, Borst was emphatic. “I don’t know,” he said, “I have absolutely no idea.”

The Cern arrest is the latest in a series of disasters for the perfectionist chef.

In June last year his ill-fated ‘Heston’s School Dinners’ Channel 4 programme resulted in the bankruptcy of Barnet Council after he persuaded them to splash out on industrial centrifuges costing £230, 000 each for every school in their area.

In October, during a Yorkshire pudding demonstration on ‘This Morning’, he spilt liquid nitrogen on Philip Schofield’s arm. The presenter lost two fingers to frostbite.