Does your lover fart? Then you need this

Sex Toy Latest: Anne Summers launched a controversial new product range today: sexy gas masks.

“For a long time now we’ve been wanting to push our accessory range into that lucrative WW2/S+M sector,” said spokeswoman Christy La Burn.

“When we focus-grouped our core demographic, one thing kept coming up again and again: ‘I love my husband, but his drafty anus is ruining our sex life’.”

“Well, while we’re not in the anal silence business, we are in the bedroom business – bingo: the sexy gas mask! It’s comfortable, it’s versatile, and it doesn’t get in the way of oral pleasure. In fact it accentuates it. In fact if you ever dreamed of face-fucking someone during an air raid, now’s the time.”

But does Anne Summers really see this product catching on?

“I think we all know that feeling,” La Burn continues.

“You’ve had a meal with high vegetable content. You’ve had three bottles of Buckfast. You’re ready for action, when – oh dear – the stench of a rotting intestinal tract floats up from underneath the duvet, asphyxiating the passion just like a child suffocating a sparrow.”

“Now, with our gas mask, he can be parping away on his bum trombone, and though you might hear the music, you won’t have to smell the applause.”

Story: Jasper Gibson+Daisy Sadler

Image: Q4Nobody