RBS boss to publicly stuff bonus up his anus

Bank News: Royal Bank of Scotland chief executive Stephen Hester has made a shocking announcement this lunchtime about what he plans to do with his bonus – less than 24 hours after he bowed to political pressure and vowed to give it up entirely.

“I have decided to give myself the bonus after all,” he told a meeting of top executives. “I am going to take out the million in cash and give the British people what the really want: I am going to stuff it all up my backside, in broad daylight, one note at a time.”

Dismissing claims that the gesture was ‘excessive’, Hester denied that the pressure was ‘getting to him’.

“Yes, it’s true that the financial community insist that I should keep the money, and I know the public don’t think I deserve it, and I am well aware that the media and the politicians seem hell-bent on humiliating me – so I have decided to keep everybody happy.”

“I have contacted the Fourth Plinth Commission for use of the plinth in Trafalgar Square, and I will climb up there with a briefcase full of cash and some vaseline and I will shove all that money right up my own bottom.”

“That should draw a line under the issue. Once I have made the ultimate deposit and given a new meaning to the phrase ‘personal banking’, hopefully we can all move forward. Does anyone have David Blaine’s number?”

 Story: Jasper Gibson