Everyone in the UK to do what Steve says, in case we offend someone

The government is to propose a new law that requires everyone to say only what Steve thinks is acceptable in order to avoid offending anyone.

“After lengthy research we have concluded that Steve, a 40-year-old IT consultant from Andover, represents the absolute average of this country and therefore makes the perfect yardstick to judge all other opinions by,” said a spokesman for the Ministry of Justice.

The draft bill, informally known as ‘Steve’s Law’, will limit what is said online and in public in order to avoid causing offence or mildly irritating anyone else.

“If the new bill is passed, we expect every citizen to strictly adhere to whatever Steve says we should think. It doesn’t matter what the topic is – be it politics, sport, or how flawed the last Terminator film was – whatever Steve thinks is the only way to go.”

“I think it’s a great idea,” said Steve. “I look forward to the day everyone agrees with me – just the other day I read on Facebook that someone liked something I didn’t. This needs to end.”

“But what if we’re not Steve?” said one confused Twitter user, before being shouted down for being Steve-insensitive.