A Reddit user summarised the Book Of Job from the Bible and it’s hilarious
A Reddit user summarized the book of job. And it's hilarious. pic.twitter.com/DGDdR0l24z
— Nicolae (@WeNotSocks) September 7, 2017
Let’s read that in full:
Job is a rich guy with tons of bling. Hot wife, loads of kids, all kinds of stuff.
God and Satan are talking. Satan’s like, “Job only likes you cuz you gave him an easy life. Take it away and he won’t like you anymore.”
God’s like, “You’re on. Lets fuck up his life.”
So they do.
Now the cliffnotes version of the story you’ll hear in a shitty church is that Job remained faithful, so God gave Job all his shit back.
The ACTUAL version that’s ACTUALLY in the Bible does not say that.
In the actual version God and Satan wreck Job’s shit. Job is like, “man, this… really sucks. I’m not being flippant here. My kids are all dead. I am… I am not in a good place right now.”
Job’s friends show up and are like, “DAMN, dude! God is seriously pissed at you! What did you DO?”
And Job says, “Nothing, seriously. He just wrecked my life and killed everyone I loved for… as far as I can tell, literally no reason at all.”
And Job’s friends are all, “Ok, there’s no way. God would only do this to you if you REALLY sinned. You’d better beg for forgiveness.”
And Job says, “I’ve got no forgiveness to beg for. I didn’t do anything. This all happened for no reason.”
And his friends, “No, this definitely happened for a reason. God liked you so he gave you a good life, now God doesn’t like you so he screwed your life up, obviously you sinned and he’s angry with you, you need to apologize so he’ll give you back the high life to which you were so sweetly accustomed.”
And Job says, “No. I didn’t do anything. I’m not apologizing for shit I didn’t do.”
And his friends are like, “Man, fuck you. Not only did you sin, like, MASSIVELY, you aren’t even repentant. You suck. I don’t know how we didn’t notice this before.”
And then they bail on him because no one wants to hang out with a secret pedophile or whatever they thought Job was.
So Job sits there and is all, “Ok… God? I’m not fooling here. I’m in pain. Do you not… do you not understand that people… hurt? When you hurt them? Do you not… get what suffering is? Do you not understand what you’ve… what you’ve done here? Are you just so far away that you… don’t… understand how fragile we are? Or that you can’t… care?”
So God here’s this and is SUPER PISSED. Because he just told Satan that Job was all pious and shit but now Job is calling him out. So he shows up and SCREAMS at Job. He goes on this big rant about all the monster’s he’s killed and the things he’s seen and how amazing he is and HOW FUCKING DARE JOB QUESTION HIM!!!11!!!one! He gets super into it, and REALLY threatening.
And Job just falls on his face and begs forgiveness because seriously what else is he going to do, he doesn’t think he can take God in a fight.
So God takes some deep breaths and counts to ten and goes to his happy place for a minute and gets himself under control again.
Then he says, “Ok, ok… so… we all gotta move on from here… Tell you what. You did tell the truth about me, back there. That’s worth something. You at least get me, even if you don’t always RESPECT. So I’ma give you new women and kids and cows and shit. Not your old ones, Satan and I killed those. New ones though. These are gonna be better, I swear. And, what else. Oh yeah, your so called friends. They didn’t tell the truth about me. So I’ma murder them all.”
And Job begs God not to do that, because Job really is a stand up guy, that’s been established. And God lets them live.
So… the thing Job did that was telling the truth about God was stating that God sends good and evil to us without respect to our righteousness. And the thing that Job’s friends did that was telling lies about God was claiming that God sends wealth and easy living to the righteous, and misery to the unrighteous.
In other words, the moral of Job is that if you believe in the prosperity gospel God will straight up ice you unless Job asks him to chill.
“What in the bloody fuck? God was clearly in the wrong here but there’s no redemption? This Bible thing is awful” notes @Captainfreggis.
Yep. The Bible is really odd in places.